Hi Diary,

Well last night Don finally got here at about quarter of eight. By that time, I was so hungry I could have eaten my own arm. So I suggested we go out to eat. Don had conveniently forgotten his wallet, but I figured, whatever, and told him he could treat me next time.

It was a good dinner, in that I haven't been out in a while- not since Ted treated me a couple weeks ago. M and I used to go out to eat every weekend, for every meal. He wasn't at all into cooking or even waiting for me to make him something, so that was a regular thing for us. I've missed going out, especially with M, of course, but you know that.

Don said he wasn't that hungry, but of course he chowed down, that was a lie. He's been on unemployment for about a year now, and the time has come where that money has run out and he needs to find a job. So, I'm not surprised he didn't have money and I'm not surprised he lied about not being hungry. But I was really all right with it, considering that I would have paid the same amount for someone to clean my apartment as I did for his dinner. Therefore, to me it all worked out. I just needed an incentive. And, Don said he would treat me for dinner sometime as soon as he has a new job.

So it was a fine evening, considering that a person can only get so close to Don. It's back to everything being kind of on the surface. He asked about M and I just pretended all was normal. I just don't want to be explaining to every person what it's really like. But, I am getting more and more okay with it. I feel generally relaxed, and if I get anxious I'm more able to release my feelings around it.

I find my thoughts are less and less cluttered with him during the day. I still think of him, and miss him, but it's not overwhelming like it used to be- a constant stream of thoughts and negative feelings. Instead, I feel like there's more space in my life and in my mind, and sometimes I "remember" him and realize I "forgot" to think about him for a whole hour, or ten minutes, or whatever.

I've thought back to my situation with Frank, and how I used to torture myself with all those feelings at the time of our breakup. I was so angry, feeling like I had no control whatsoever. I just wanted him to do everything the "right" way- but I wanted him to know what the right way was, without me telling him. I got so frustrated with him for everything, and even months afterward when we were trying to be friends. What a mess. I just don't want to do that to myself anymore. No matter how it turns out with M, I just don't want to turn MYSELF inside out anymore. It's exhausting.

I realize how hard I can be on myself, but sometimes I think I expect myself to be superwoman. I have put myself in a position that would be difficult for any human being, really. But I have such huge expectations for myself. Really, I guess I am doing very well. The combination of the various therapies and whathaveyous that I have been embracing seem to have been working for me.

I need to get ready to go see Kate, and then I have a client meeting this evening. Something to look forward to. I still don't get as much accomplished during the day as I would like, but, again, that's just me being hard on myself. I'm just peeling off layers of limitation, and it takes some time.

It was weird waking up to a very clean bedroom and apartment, by the way. I guess I've been so used to all the clutter, I expected open my eyes and be in the midst of it again! Hmm. Might take some getting used to!

So, I'll see you later, Diary.

Love,
Duck

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