Hi Diary,

Well apparently I've really screwed myself up in the realm of sleep. Don't worry, somehow I'll fix it- but until then, here I am.

All is... okay. I met with Kate, and we talked a bit about money, and some beliefs I have about that. A lot of them harkens back to the old days of, once again, you guessed, just not having faith that I deserve. A common theme in my life that I'm continually working on erasing.

Then I met with Inez. I haven't seen her in months and months. It was good to see her, but a little weird too. She has been very interested in my process and progress over the past couple of months. At least she is not one of those people that tells me what to do- I am grateful for that. Instead, she is interested in whatever I am doing for myself, and like I said, I think she's just starting to recognize her own abandonment issues. Although I hear her saying "I can't" a lot- she can't take the time and money to work on these issues, because of XYZ... well, from my own experience, I know this underlying issue will continue to persist if not paid attention to, so I trust that Inez will do what she needs to do when she is ready.

Afterward, I had a client meeting, for which the potential client was 35 minutes late. It drives me crazy. I have a limited amount of time to present a significant amount of material to someone, and they can't even be on time. Then, I don't know about them, but I am certainly feeling dissatisfied with our meeting because I either had to cut major corners or didn't even have the time to craft my presentation the way I would have liked it.

I met Red for a meal afterward, and expressed my anger about this situation. He asked me what I would like to change about it. I just said that I want to be appreciated in my work, and I guess, I would like to attract clients who are excited about what I am offering and can actually receive it- people who are dedicated, show up on time, pay attention, and are grateful- that kind of stuff. Red asked me what I thought that was about, and since I believe everything that happens in my life is a reflection of me, I replied that maybe there is a way in my life I'm not fully receiving- even if it's fully receiving from myself. I'm not really sure, but it was nice just to have the space to talk about it.

I took Red to a vegetarian place he had never been to before, and he really liked it. He kept saying, "This place is off the hook!" He was really impressed with the presentation and quality of the food. I am feeling like I am in a really good place right now- so much stronger, able to feel myself, able to let go of so many feelings and starting to trust that everything will be okay- and I felt a lot of gratitude for Red tonight. He has really been such an amazing friend for me these past few months. He held space for me many times when I was in deep sadness and despair- reminding me that I am loved, and I can accomplish anything.

I think a lot of guys would have been overwhelmed by the feminine emotion- kind of having an attitude of- "I'm not her boyfriend, why should I put up with this?" but Red was really selfless in his showing up for me, supporting me, loving me- wanting to protect me, remind me that I was on the right path- and even standing beside me in still loving M- sometimes we will talk about M with a great deal of love and affection. Red reminds me that it's okay to love M, to have a deeper understanding and pursue my own spiritual opportunities in this difficult situation. He holds my hand when I cry in sadness and he laughs with me when I share memories of what I love about M.

What a gift! I only hope that Red feels this energy returned back to him. I was so overwhelmed with gratitude that I insisted on buying him dinner, even though it was kind of pricey- I even bought him a take-home dessert for later. I just wanted to give him something, it's a small token compared to what he has given me.

Every now and then, I guess it's a good thing to think of all the thanks you have for a friend. For me, it makes life seem so much bigger.

Thanks, friends everywhere.

Love,
Duck

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