Dear Diary,

Had a good training with Gail. I was disappointed to learn that her boyfriend/whoever he is, Craig, enrolled in the training too.

First of all, who can keep track of their crazy relationship? One minute they are together and the next they are not. Just last month Gail said she had sex with some other guy, and then Craig, in the same day... I don't even know if Craig will consistenly come, because I can only imagine there will be more arguing and drama coming down the pike.

I don't think Gail's one to give anyone relationship advice, and that's that. I've noticed how I tend to give my power away, waiting for someone else to tell me the right thing to do. Gail is older than me and she is more than happy to put herself in the teacher role. She has had a lot of experiences in life and I guess it is just human nature to want to find a role model and put them on a pedestal... but the truth is nobody is perfect. There was a time that Gail knew she was on that pedestal for me, and she was happy to be there. Over time I have dismantled the pedestal and seen the truth- that her life is not only full of challenges and lessons just like everyone else's life, but also that her particular path is riddled with chaos. Gail still wants to be the teacher, but I don't want her to be. It's a subtle but powerful shift, but I think she gets it now... after I told her that I just want to figure things out for myself and I don't necessarily want other people's opinions.

Craig- he drives me nuts. One minute he is needy and annoying and the next he is grandiose and annoying. He's either trying to get someone else to take care of him, or else boasting about how much better he is than everyone else. It's so tiring. But for some reason, he's in my life. I guess I will just take it as a lesson in patience.

But, neither one of them brought up M's name at all- although I could tell that Craig wanted to. I got the feeling that Gail really heard what I said last time and is intent on respecting me around this. I think my pattern of just keeping my distance from people who press me kind of hits home- that really, I would rather remove myself from your life than have you mess with me continuously. So I imagine that she told Craig the deal: that M and I are separated, I'm figuring out my own path, and I don't want to talk about it.

However, Craig kept asking me the same questions repeatedly: "So, how are you Duck?" "What's new with you, Duck?" "What's going on in your life?" Over a period of 2.5 days there's only so much you can say in response to these questions. I guess he was hoping I would break down and spill the beans. Each time I talked about work, or my own personal growth work, or something very mundane, but I'm certainly not going to talk to Craig about M. One, because I don't want advice from anyone, and two, if I DID want advice, it certainly wouldn't be from Craig. He reminds me of a very young, hurt child- which is probably what's going on with him, it's true- so I can have compassion for him, but I certainly don't want him in my personal affairs. But he sure was digging, trying to get in there!

Oh well. Patience. Patience. Patience.

I have started having trouble sleeping again, even when I am super exhausted and do everything I should to get rest. Then the other night I had a full-blown panic attack, where I couldn't sleep, and I felt so desperate that I actually wanted to call M at 2:30am and beg him not to leave me! Craziness. I have a theory about it all- that I am about to move something really big, an old belief that has held me back in my life, some fear energy... and my ego got freaked out and was trying to sabotage me. I didn't call M, of course, and have been able to calm myself a bit.

I had a session with Kate today, and we did do some very good work. We talked about my sexual abuse and how I felt like something got implanted in me, some kind of yuckiness and disgusting... something.... how it affects how I think about myself... even on an unconscious level when I want to feel good... so we worked on releasing that. I feel much better, like this was a huge piece for me. How can I get what I want, or be a good part of anything in the Universe, if subconsciously I believe I'm yucky? I mean, really. So through working with Kate I came up with some visuals to replace all these feelings with inside, and I feel good about them. It's another step in the journey.

I have a lot to do, as always, as I'm going to be in Serena's class on Friday. I've been doing a ton of reading about co-dependence, and it's helping me a lot. I've also done yoga for the past 3 days, and hope to continue with that. The next level of this journey, I feel, is really turning my nurturing inward on a physical level- around sleeping, eating, and consistent exercise.

But working tonight, and I have to pack and get ready- I still haven't done laundry and I'm hoping to get some done before I leave tomorrow. If not, I will just have to pack dirty clothes and see if my friend will let me do laundry at her house. Oh joy.

Okay, gotta get going, but check you later, big D. (That's you, Diary).

Love,
Duck

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