Dear Diary,

Well, I finished my second book on co-dependence, this one by Pia Melody. She describes a certain character type that cannot distinguish between needs and wants. Meaning, they know when they want something, like new shoes, or jewelry, or something like that- but they don't know what their most basic needs are, like proper nutritious food, shelter, exercise, etc.

Sound familiar? It really bugged me to read that and see it in myself. And I wonder how needy I appear to others. I especially wonder if M felt I was needy, because I have been such a hand-me-down girl... not buying things for myself... and wondering if I give off the impression that I cannot take care of myself.

I'm not CONSCIOUSLY waiting for someone to come along and rescue me and take care of me... but the thought that I might be unconsciously sending out that message really bugs me!

So, if anything, that is just more impetus for me to really focus on the basics of taking care of myself. I feel like my meditations have been working less and less. I feel more distracted, other thoughts coming in, or, I have just been falling asleep. Maybe this is because I am TIRED, and not getting enough rest. So the first major building block is sleep.

Food is the next one. I don't eat enough vegetables on a daily basis, and I think I'm lacking in some kind of nutrients. If I can afford it I should go see some kind of nutrionist. I don't know if I can swing that...

Because the other thing is I already KNOW the proper things to do, but I don't do them. Now my restless sleep schedule alternates between habit and genuine insomnia. I buy organic vegetables and they wilt and rot in my refrigerator. What's the next step to do what I know I should?

Maybe it's my own shame. The thought of how I look to others, and the shame I feel if I imagine that M thinks I am needy and dependent. It upsets me so much to imagine seeing myself through someone else's eyes like that.

And, my perception of myself is so skewed, that I'm not even sure that is true. I don't really know if I look that way to him or to anyone else. So I guess I shouldn't allow myself to go into a downward spiral about it.

All I can do is take care of myself in the best way I know how. And I have to do it for myself, regardless of what happens in relationships. But I do think if I get into the habit of taking care of myself really well, it will change my overall vibration and message to myself, and eventually to others, about how I think about myself.

It feels like another mountain to climb, but I guess I'll start by going to bed now. It's hard to make plans when I'm so tired.

Love,
Duck

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