layers [ 2008-02-23, 9:05 p.m. ]

Hi Diary,

For whatever reason, I am feeling really bummed. I was feeling really good for awhile, but now none of the techniques that were working for me now seem to be doing anything.

The last couple of days have been interesting, I suppose. For one, I finished the Pia Mellody book. I had a huge realization when reading the part about abuse. She writes about how a child is affected when a parent's punishment far outweighs the wrongdoing of the child. For example, beating a very young child for a small offense or slight. Well, when reading that, I suddenly realized that I had been punished just that way- really outrageous beatings and punishments that in no way fit what I had done- truth be told I guess most of the time my parents just considered me to be annoying. I had known about the beatings etc. of course for years and years but this is the first time I ever REALIZED that they were just really OUT THERE things to do to a child who doesn't know any better! An example is my father beating me with a hairbrush because I was scared at night and called him into my room. I must have been interrupting a television show of his or something, because he flew into a rage and beat me until I blacked out. I was probably no older than five. And, I was just afraid of the dark, or whatever. It's funny how it has never struck me just HOW fucked up that actually was!

I don't really know what to do with this information. It explains a lot about why I am often unsure of myself, hold my feelings in, and am terrified of anger, my own and other peoples'. I can see that this could open up the potential for me to work with my own anger. I mean, who does that?? How bizarre and fucked up and wow that's some nerve to do that to your own kid, and mess them up for life!

At any rate, I suppose that perhaps that is just another layer of denial that has been lifted from me. It is painful, but important.

I am here visiting Stacey, and she has a very young son, not quite two. It's amazing to hang out with him and think that at that age my parents were hitting me and screaming at me. It makes me very cautious around him and makes me aware of how trepidacious parents must feel. So kudos to all you parents out there who are making it work!

Yesterday I went to the training with Serena and Grace sat right next to me. She was making it a point to be nice, but I still feel like there is something going on beneath the surface. She makes it a point to avoid me whenever we have to choose a partner for an exercise. Well, whatever, I have more important things to worry about than this. I also find it strange that every time I come into the class, Serena immediately tells me about Alphie's current condition and how he is doing. I find myself wondering if she is secretly testing the waters to find out if I am ready to see Alphie again. But, I really am tired of talking about him.

The other day I had a dream about M- I was just waking up, so it was cut short. He was standing in front of me, and I'm not sure but he might have had a scrap of paper in his hands. And he said, "I want to be with you-" and he was saying something else but I woke up! Right in the middle! It really made me nuts because I couldn't tell if he had said "but" or not. I tried to go right back to sleep so I could pick up where I left off, but that was impossible... so then I was freaking out if there was a "but" or not.

You may think that's pretty funny or crazy, but right before I found out Frank's answer to our relationship, I had a dream about him too. He was driving us in his car, and he looked at me and said, "I do love you, but I'm going to leave you." So, sometimes when my dreams are kind of literal like that, they do tell me something.

Last night Stacey made me go out with her and some of her friends to a bar. It would never be my first choice- I hardly ever feel like going out late at night, and I'm so over the bar scene. Stacey tried to convince me that I should hook up with a guy she knows, Patrick. But I can't even talk to another guy without thinking of M. And I'm not so much into casual sex, as you see where it has gotten me in the past.

So, here I am, a little gloomy, but I guess that this too shall pass. Time, time, time, keep on movin'.

Love,

Duck

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