Dear Diary,

Well, I don't know if I have a whole lot more to write than I did last night, but you know that never stopped me from making an entry!

I had so many dreams last night. A lot of them, again, were dreams of needing to find and organize things. In one, I was in a big white room with lots of other people- mostly extended family I think and neighbors from when I was growing up- and I was trying to arrange a vase of flowers. But then I turned around and someone had taken my vase... there were others that were similar but not the one I wanted.

Also, I had a dream and M was in it too. We were hanging out, maybe having dinner, with another couple. But there was a feeling in the dream, that we were about to separate, and we were just waiting until these people left to figure it out (kind of reminiscent of the time when Frank and I decided to take a break but first I had a party at my house and we smiled through the party and didn't tell anyone). At one point in the dream I felt like pushing him away, and saying, "Forget it." But there was another point where the man of the other couple and I went into the kitchen, and the guy said to me, "Are you and M going out? You guys are like twins!" (in this contex, meaning that we were very alike and belonged together). And I said, "Tell him that." There were lots of red roses in all of these dreams, and some orange flowers in one.

So. Whatever that means. I have realized a lot in the past couple of weeks. I've realized that growing up, I just learned that I was always wrong, and I had to watch my back because no one was looking out for me. As a matter of fact, the likelihood of betrayal was much higher than the likelihood of support. Well, this is kind of a secret belief I now have about the Universe... that in the end, the chances of me getting the love I want is very bleak. It's like I've taken my experiences with my parents and projected it onto the way Spirit operates. It's very hard for me to wrap my mind around the concept of being fully supported in what I want. I always felt like I had to kind of sneak it...

I suppose once the awareness is there, I'm on the way to healing it. But there is a tendency to immediately go to that place of fearing that's a natural consequence of being me. There is both relief and anxiety in the fact that time has speeded up for me (for a couple of months it felt like it took forever for a day to go by and it was TORTURE). I have a very big fear that M will call me before I am "ready"-- before I have completely owned myself, before I have been able to stop obsessing about him, before I am healed. I guess I can just ask the Universe to have him call me at the exact perfect time when I AM ready according to the standards of Spirit, and then I don't have to worry about it at all. It might not be a matter of being "perfect"- that we can both still be unperfect and talk from that place.

Huh.

Seems like worrying is a full-time job for me. I want a new job!

I feel like I'm ready to go home, I'm not really enjoying myself here, nor would I probably enjoy myself at home. Maybe right now I'll just be unhappy wherever I go, and I just have to keep working on being happy where I am. I suppose that's the only way to be.

I wish I had an interesting story to tell, but that's really it for today.

Love,
Duck

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