Sometimes, I lack such a knowing of myself that I look outside to find out who I am. Please, I say to this person or that, can you tell me how to think? What to say? Is this all right?

There are plenty of people in the world who are looking to do just that. They are happy to tell me how to do it, what's wrong with me, how I could have done it better. They find the doorway in, just once, then they think they have a free pass. And because I have never learned to shut the door, I don't know how to keep them out. They feel such a lack of control in their own lives that they are more than happy to control mine.

I look for someone to rescue me, to fill the emptiness, to tell me that everything is going to be okay. I want to be reassured, but I am inconsolable. Whatever reassurance someone puts into me just leaks right out.

And the times when I do get tired, and I shut the door, there is no one there- not even me. This is the worst of all, and sends me on an endless frantic search for substance, fleeting substance.

It is quite impossible to focus attention inside on the self when there is no self. People like me wait for Prince Charming, for the soulmate, for the Other Half that will fill the emptiness. I know now, that nobody else can fill it. It's a dirty trick, and it's painful, and that's that. I don't even know if I will ever learn how to be there for myself. Sometimes I am a ghost in my own life. Endless pouring, pouring out into someone else.

The hardest thing for me to do is focus on myself. To bring my thoughts into the present, what do I need? The world will tell me I'm selfish, when actually I have never learned to have enough substance to give anything to the world.

I don't know if there's any easy answers. Maybe the only thing there is to do is pray, just ask for help. Surrender again and again, on a daily basis.

So please, Universe, help me.

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