permission to be me [ 2008-02-25, 4:26 p.m. ]

Dear Diary,

As you could probably tell from my last entry, I have been feeling like quite a failure. I feel like one of the opportunities I have been given in this frame of time is to focus inward on myself, but my thoughts and fantasies tend to wander, and imagine, and wonder and worry about M.

Then last night I did something a little different. I have been doing meditations on releasing and understanding another person, and mostly focusing that energy on M. So instead, last night I focused the energy on myself- and how I treat myself. Trying to have some love and compassion for myself and giving myself permission to just be who I am.

Okay, I am human. I have spent a whole lifetime focusing on other people, because that is what I learned. I guess it's natural for me to slip up every now and then and go into that old pattern. No big deal! I can just remind myself and move forward. And, I really do love M. He is an amazing person and different than anyone I've ever met. So it's not like I am holding onto somebody who is mean to me, and wasn't any good for me... I still have to let go, because it's not good to hold onto anything... but, it's understandable that I would be in love. The challenge is to learn to love myself, which is a big one- just ask anybody.

So, just for today, my intention is to give myself a break. I've been growing a lot, whether I can see it or not- I know that it's true. But rather than judge myself and try to rush myself, I'm just going to give myself permission to be me.

Love,
Duck

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