Dear Diary,

What a day, what a day!

First of all, this morning I had a dream about M. He was kind of M but he was also kind of W- Wisconsin, if you remember that lame-ass guy who kept appearing and disappearing in my life a couple years ago. Ugh.

Anyway. In the dream I'm talking to M, and somehow it is revealed that he has been flirting with/possibly rubbing himself up against another woman (a very sexy nun- just to make things more confusing). So, I am upset. And I wake up upset, and wondering if this means that M has found someone else and hasn't told me.

The last couple of days have been very hard. I read somewhere that it takes a man 8 weeks to miss a woman, and if after no contact a guy doesn't call you or try to come back into your life, you basically just consider it over. (Although now that I am thinking about it, W would come and go 3mos, 6mos... so maybe it's not true?).

Well the 8 week mark is coming up, and for the last couple of days I've been feeling a lot of grief, and missing, of M. I am sad that he doesn't seem to miss me as I miss him. I am also aware that guys kind of bury their feelings and find it easier to distract themselves... and I've seen M close off and not feel anything... and it's hard for me to feel "forgotten" or, something that's easy to be distracted from.

I usually journal for about half an hour but this morning I looked at the clock and what do you know, a whole hour flew by! So I had to get going and do laundry. I don't know why, Diary, but for some reason going to the laundromat somehow amplifies my loneliness. It makes me feel like a big loser. Maybe because I used to do my laundry at Frank's house when we were dating, and I remember that first day when I had to go back to the laundromat. A big bummer.

And people at the laundromat are crazy. I have to figure out the best time to go during the week. It seemed very crowded for a Thursday afternoon. Lots of clothes and not enough baskets. People had 25 minutes to go before their clothes would be done, but they were clinging to their baskets for dear life, just watching their clothes go around and around. One woman had 3 or 4 dryers going, with what looked like only 3 things in each dryer, attending to her own weird system of walking around putting in extra quarters. She had her baskets set up in front of the dryers lined with white garbage bags, and God help you if you tried to take one.

Insanity! I believe that people's worst primal fears come out in places like laundromats and offices!

So anyway I totally fed into the energy and was scrambling around for a basket myself. I was able to finish my laundry in time to take a shower before therapy. But I was late for therapy because of a problem with the bus.

Right at the beginning of my session I just started to cry. It seems like I can hold it in all day, all the time, through work, and whatever else, but once I got in that room, I just couldn't.

For example this weekend I stayed with my friends Nia and Lee, and I haven't told them the truth about what's going on with me and M. In the beginning it was because so much was going on- M and I decided to separate, and I was going on my EVG- so I figured I would just wait, and maybe things would work themselves out. Then in December Nia had a baby, but there were some complications with the birth so there was a lot going on. I didn't really bring up my personal life because Nia and Lee seemed to have their hands full processing everything that had happened with the birth and the baby. Then... more time passed... and with a new kid you know their energy was very focused there.

When I saw them this weekend, Lee did ask about "the boyfriend" and I just said we were having a hard time, and taking some space because he wasn't really healed from his divorce. The weird thing was, they didn't really ask any more probing questions or try to find out about the situation. They didn't ask about how I was feeling. I've been bummed for months and I guess they haven't noticed?

Actually, even when things were going well with M Nia and Lee never asked much about him. I think a lot of my friends have known me for a while as a "single girl" and they like to think of me that way. It's weird in a way, but I think a lot of my friends who are couples want me to stay single, and don't actually want to "share" me with a partner I might have. I think Nia and Lee would really like M if they met him, don't get me wrong- but if he's not in their immediate vicinity, they don't have much interest in him.

So I felt like I was ready to tell the truth to them about what is going on, but they weren't even ready to hear it!

I guess that's holding it in, and in therapy is where it comes out. So at the beginning of the session I just cried and cried. And my therapist asked me some questions, like what was I crying about, etc., and I didn't even answer her. And then I just lay on the couch and cried and she came over and rubbed my back. It's okay, I don't really get any sense of great nurturing from her, but I didn't mind. Then she started to talk to me about maybe calling M, and asking him what's going on. That it might be empowering for me to call him and tell him I miss him and ask for some clarification of where he's at.

Red suggested the same thing- but he's all about getting in a guy's face and "challenging" him to be the best he can be. I know that doesn't work with M, at all. He was so controlled by his mother that any woman getting in his face just triggers him into being more blocked off.

Even though two people have suggested this in the past two days, it just doesn't feel right to me. My intention was to give M space, it's true. And I just don't feel strong right now. I feel sad, but can't seem to cry outside the therapist's office. So I told her that's what I needed to do. I have no problem believing I'm strong- I know I'm strong- and I know crying doesn't make me weak. It actually makes me stronger to feel my feelings. Just for some reason, I have to do a lot of pretending in my life right now- and I needed to just cry and do it in the office.

Then my therapist had all kinds of suggestions and I told her to please stop telling me what to do because I was starting to feel resistance, and my resistance was making it hard to feel my sadness. I needed to feel my sadness.

Wow I was so difficult today! My therapist sure earned her money. I think I threw her for a loop! It gets worse...

After all the crying she was trying to get me to do an exercise to get me "grounded" she said so I would not go out and be all disconnected and confused. But I just felt like I had my fill and was very sensitive to control and I said, "I just can't do this anymore! I don't want to do it!" And I told her I was just feeling overwhelmed and we talked more about how I pretend in life and I feel like I can't even talk to my friends because I feel like they are projecting their own wants and needs around this situation. So she listened to that and we made an appointment for the week after next, because she is going to be on vacation.

And of course, after I insisted that I was grounded and fine and could take care of myself, I went outside and got on the wrong bus! I guess I wasn't grounded at all, she was right. And then I was five minutes late for a client meeting, and my eyes were so puffy that my client said, "What happened to your eyes?!" And I made up a story about getting dust in my eyes walking past a construction site. How horrific.

Note to self: do not schedule client meeting directly after therapy!

Then I had to run to a presentation and I only had 20 minutes to get something to eat- the only thing I ate all day! That's how much running around I've done! And now I am tired! And have had no time to fold laundry, and probably won't be able to do that either, because tomorrow I have to finish up my taxes so I can get them to my accountant in time, and then I have three appointments.

And I have to shave my legs. I've been really lazy.

(Sigh).

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