Dear Diary,

Today, wrote in my journal upon waking. Read a couple of chapters in a novel. While I was doing these things the phone rang a couple of times, but I didn't bother to answer.

When I got up to pee, I looked at the phone and saw that one of the calls had been M! I was rather shocked. Here I had been feeling so hopeless about the "8 week rule", and then, just under the wire, he calls me.

I had two messages before his- I should have just skipped over them- but one of them was very disturbing. The owner of the space where I did my presentation called and said that last night her laptop was stolen, and she was holding me responsible.

Holy shit. How much do laptops cost? That means I have to replace it? Where was it, and what did it look like? Is it fair to make me responsible for something I didn't even know was there? And I doubted very much that any of my clients would do such a thing!

Then the message for M- a little weird, none too telling. Stated my full name... told me it was him, if I didn't recognize his voice... and said it had been a long time, and he'd like to talk. I felt a sense of foreboding, but decided to go outside and walk to work off my anxiety. First I called the laptop lady and left her a message, asking for details, and also stating that there were other people in the space when I left- and could she please let me know where the laptap had been, describe it, so I could ask one of my clients if they'd seen it on the way out? I tried to entertain the possibility that maybe it was in a bag and one of my clients had mistook it for his own.

Then, walking outside, I said a short prayer and called M. Of course it was the usual pleasantries first, asking about superficial stuff, talking about movies, basic stuff. Then he asked me how I felt "about us". I said I have been having my up and down days, a lot of gratitude, have been looking at myself in a different way... and basically have felt good in the last 24 hours (which was kind of a lie, considering what happened in therapy yesterday). Then I asked about him. M expressed that he still felt unsure and was trying to figure everything out. He is in therapy and also unearthing a lot of beliefs and feelings from his childhood too. He said he still felt weird about trying to be able to not lose all his energy to me, and that he so wants me in his life at the same time. We talked for a long time about this, and shared deeper about our own realizations from the work that we have been doing independently.

He said he feels like he has failed being an ideal boyfriend, that he doesn't understand relationship. I said that no one understands relationship- that's why there are books and counselors and romantic fantasies. Everybody's trying to figure it out. I told him that he had given me exactly what I wanted - I always wished that somebody would just accept me for who I am- and that's what I felt M has done. He has never tried to change me, never criticized me or implied that I would be a better person if I was different. I said thank you for that, and that I wanted to give him the same. That even though it was painful for me to be away from him, I understood this journey of becoming a "single healthy cell" in this big world of connectedness. I also said that I was learning a lot and had gained a lot of tools that I would be happy to share, but I also understood and respected that this was his journey and he might just want to figure it out on his own.

When I said all that, he cried, and said he wanted to give his whole heart to me, because I am beautiful and I deserve great love. But that he struggles right now being filled from within. I understand, because I have suffered from the same illness.

We talked in total for an hour and a half. He said he could talk to me all day, but he needed to set a limit on how much we could speak. He told me that his financial situation might get very bad very soon, and that he heard my voice in his head saying, "I believe in you," and that's one of the reasons he called me. "I do believe in you," I told him. "And I believe in you, I hope you know that," he told me. "Just in case you weren't sure."

Then, he told me that he had something to say that perhaps was not the best thing to end the conversation with. He said he had not had any interest in seeing someone else, but he wanted to let me know that he understood if I wanted to see someone else. It wasn't about giving permission, it was about being clear "all around". I told him I hadn't really been interested and had just been working on myself. This made me feel a little nervous, the fact that he brought this up, and even the "all around" part. I know he is very honest with me, and I believe him when he says he has not gotten involved with anyone else- it seems he is aware enough of his intention to lose himself... but, this new tag of being clear on seeing other people feels like a little bit more of a pushing apart, and it makes me uncomfortable.

Although I know that freedom is freedom, and true love comes from a place of freedom. If M is meant to be mine, it may have to be that he goes out into the world and sees that other women are not like me. That could lead him elsewhere or it could lead him back to me.

I am, after all, quite loveable.

And by the way, close to the beginning of the conversation, a text message came in from the laptop lady "Laptop has been found." Well. M said she owes me an apology for her chilly message. My first instinct would be to say phew, I'm not in trouble. But I think he's right. Laptop lady should take better care of her stuff, instead of leaving an expensive thing out and expecting me to be responsible for it when I don't even know it's there.

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