Dear Diary,

I am not well. I seriously have a problem. The problem is that some part of my brain tries to sabotage me at every turn.

After my conversation with M, I felt very good. I felt reassured that he does care about me, that he wants me to be in his life, and that in his own way he is trying to figure out how he can get better.

Then a few hours after I experienced a bit of a lull in that feeling- that even though we talked and we connected, and even though I got the feeling he wanted to keep connecting to me- the fact that he said he could talk to me all day- still, things are as they were before. We are still separated, I still miss him, and it might take more time before I can even see the man I love in the flesh.

This has happened before, in the previous times I've spoken with M, so I'm not really surprised. And it's not really the problem.

The problem is, that then I really started to spiral down. I started obsessing about the one point M made bringing up seeing other people, and trying to analyze if there is deeper meaning to that- is he making a plan? Is he pulling further away from me for a reason? Oh, I drive myself crazy.

Even though he said everything he said, that he wants me in his life, that he has such love for me, that he wanted to give me his whole heart if he only could, that he wanted to talk to me all day... That all took an hour and a half of the conversation, the other part took two minutes.

All this canceled out because I start looking where the love ISN'T. I find the empty spaces where M isn't physically here in my life, where the cracks might be, where there is potential for loss... I take that two minutes and I expand it and make it bigger and bigger, bigger even than the whole hour and a half of loving and enjoying each other.

Why?

Well, I guess just because of... life, and a history of not getting what I want, and many instances of losing everything I cared about. I am so tired of being in this mindset, and I don't know what to do about it. Maybe it is just my ego trying to destroy me.

How do I expect anyone to be in love with me, or a man to come back to me, if I sabotage myself at every opportunity?

Oh, please help me.

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