Dear Diary,

I feel a little sick. Last night, after talking to Steffy, I called M at about 11:30pm. He didn't answer, and I didn't leave a message. Then this afternoon he called noting that he saw my call....

So I called him back, because I wanted to ask him to give me a little clarity on that point about seeing other people, and why was it important that he tell me that? He told me that it had come up in therapy a lot- and he had some guilt about what has happened, feeling like he has abandoned me, or feeling like I have given him this gift of unconditional love and he wasted it. And because he isn't clear about anything, he wanted to open everything up- for himself and for me. And yes, he did say that he didn't want me to wait, because he just doesn't know.

I know this falls in line with what I originally thought and what other people have told me what they think is going on- that he doesn't want me to wait because he's not sure. Maybe that's a sign that he loves me? Anyway I still feel sad- it made me feel great sadness to hear it from his lips just the same- maybe that he is willing to lose me?

But I tell myself, again, that you can't really make choices unless you have freedom. And M is trying to give himself freedom. He was already tied to someone for many years, and never really felt he had the freedom to make any choices.

As bummed out as I get about the thought of him not being connected to me in this way, can I heal from it? Can I let it go? Can I set myself free- not allow that mere possibility (because yes, at this point it is only possibility) to have control over me?

I hope so.

After M said what he did I repeated it back to him just to see if I understood. He gets that it takes me some time to process certain things so he was very patient with that. Then I was quiet, which I think made him nervous. I made moves to end the conversation, thanking him and wishing him a nice night. He asked me if I was okay, and I said yeah. Then he started to talk about something else, and brought up a couple more subjects. I tried to end the conversation again, and he pulled me back into conversation. Doesn't it seem like he likes me? He certainly likes to talk to me.

We finally hung up, and I am here with some sadness. I know I just have to feel what I do, and let go as best I can. I've always said I wanted a man who wants ME, and who will come toward me. But I can't be holding on and trying to yank him toward me. I have to give men the freedom to choose me, or else they are never really choosing.

I don't know what to think. All these actions confuse me. The fact that he is able to stay away seems to say one thing, while sometimes his words and desire for me say another.

What to do?

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