Dear Diary,

Today on the bus I had a little bit of an epiphany. I realized there was something I needed.

So about 5pm I called M and left a message, saying that I had a need, and would he please call me back because I had something I wanted to talk to him about.

He called me back an hour later, sounding a little on guard. I told him that since what he told me last night had kind of changed things for us, by opening up to seeing other people, it had really shifted the energy. And what I would really like is to see him again, and if possible do a little ritual like we did when he first left. We are both doing our best to be very open to whatever is in store for us, and we both would like each other in our lives, in the sweetest way possible. Even as friends- (yes, even if that is not my first choice- I don't need another Frank that has completely disappeared, I don't need another Alphie that keeps popping up but I can't stand-!) and what would really help me is to get together and state that to the Universe with an intention of love and higher consciousness.

M said he would like to do that, but launched into explaining how he is busy over the next two weeks. I told him I wasn't actually expecting it to happen soon- I had either one of the last two weekends in March in mind, and that way we could both prepare ourselves. I told him what my basic vision is, and said we didn't even have to decide today, that he could give me a call back after he thought about it.

This seemed to help. He sounded very serious, rigid and on-guard and I asked him if he was okay with me requesting this of him. He said he was, it was something that he would like too, but also that he had realized what a hard time he had when anyone requested anything of him. He feels he has such bad boundaries that he always immediately says, yes! I told him again that we didn't have to settle everything today, and also that I got a little nervous too, but when I have to ask for something that I need- I get scared that someone won't give it to me and then my energy gets all weird when I ask.

We both laughed about that, our individual challenges that are actually very much alike- taking care of ourselves. We ended on a good note, he told me he'll contact me at some point in the next couple of days either by email or phone.

I still felt some sadness because I could really feel him guarding up and he felt innaccessible. It made me sorry that he has such a hard time getting close to people and it seems that he thinks even I will take advantage of him.

Oh well. At least this upcoming meeting will give me some closure of some kind. I can look M in the eyes and maybe our feelings for each other will have changed. Maybe it will all be okay.

Please say a prayer for me, just so I can have some long-awaited peace around this situation. I am not falling apart at this time, but I am starting to glimpse just how incapable M is of sharing time and space with me. At times it really, really hurts. And I am doing my best to love him where he's at.

Have a good day.

Love,
Duck

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