My last two entries written only in the span of minutes of each other, my feelings today strangely serene, my longing to keep this decision for my life final.

How we try to balance everything, saying we're letting go but clinging by threads, hoping no one else will see. The words we tell ourselves to make it all okay, the dark places we avoid inside so we won't have to feel what is inevitable, what constantly lurks in the shadows of our lives. Why we hold onto things that are just better left let go. Because we don't even know who we are.

Today I turned my phone off, and have no interest in emails. I lay in bed listening to a CD I had started to make for M- some of it is tender and grateful, some other songs speaking of hurt and judgment- about how/why the other person couldn't show up. I realized I made this CD for myself, not for him.

Perhaps I will lie in bed all day, with the phone off, unreachable to the world. My day of immersion in my coccoon, before I take my new self, my changed energy, out into the world.

There haven't been any tears until just now, as I type this. And I don't even know what they are about. These past five months have been like having a grave illness for me. I am tired of the maybe, maybe that sings in the back of my head.

I want "definitely".

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