Dear Diary,

Not a very productive day overall. I did spend all day in the house- got some work done, but there is always something depressing about watching the light change from sunup to sundown in the same room.

I did go out for a walk, just to get some air. I felt fairly numb all day, and that I am doing the right thing.

It wasn't until I was at home, and a friend called just to check in- he hardly ever calls but he has called me repeatedly in the past three days. He said he had the feeling that maybe I wasn't "doing so well." I told him what had been going on, and that I had just had this realization, and I was feeling kind of down. When he said, "You take care of yourself, sweetheart," I just burst into tears. Maybe his tenderness just broke down the damn that has been holding back all the pain.

I didn't know what to do, so I called Keith a bit later. He assured me that this was the right thing to do, because M was not ready for this kind of relationship. And he also suggested that for now we just work on letting go of each other, and not worry about trying to create the perfect friendship right now. Keith pointed out that M never really knows what he wants, and as a result just goes along with what a lot of other people want to do. And that's not the place from which to try to manifest anything new. I saw his point, as if M is just trying to stay connected to me because of guilt, or shame... that would be a bad place to start.

Also Keith has known me over the years, and said, "I think M is the beginning of a trend. He's the closest you've come to the guy you really wanted, and you're only going to get closer." He said that M was just a reflection of my own struggle to love myself, and that was the lesson I was learning now. And the next guy would be different, and even better...

And though it's often hard for me to believe this, I am doing my best in this moment to do just that.

My apartment is a wreck, and I don't even know where to start. I did the dishes and started to clean the bathroom. I tidied up the bedroom and put away all my clothes. The other rooms are still messy, my taxes are still not done, and I have to get those finished. I have been trying to do a little cleaning here and there, putting things away whenever I notice something that actually has a place to go.

Now I'm headed to bed, because I'm sleepy and don't know what else to do.

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