Dear Diary,

Felt very down for most of today- luckily Stacey called as I was listening to that damn CD again. She cheered me up a bit, reminded me to go out- and I told her about my date tomorrow. She was very happy to hear all of that. Hopefully, it really is a date, and will be fun.

I went to therapy, where I filled my therapist in on everything that has happened over the last couple of weeks. I told her about all the calls with M, my recent epiphany, etc etc. I have been feeling pretty bad, ashamed, I guess- because of the rejection I feel and the fact that I allowed myself to be so vulnerable.

My therapist reminded me that M is incapable of relationship right now, so it really doesn't have all that much to do with me. She said that just from hearing the description of my conversations with M, she could tell there was a lot of love and respect there. She also commended me on how I have handled everything- she told me that I could have made M into the devil- gotten angry and blamed him, created lots of drama- but I chose to keep my heart open, and work on myself, and that I am a very strong person. She also said that it takes a brave person to be vulnerable, it takes a brave person to love like I do.

That was hard to take in, because I judge myself so much.

I cried a lot, and then the session was over. I felt a bit better afterward, I guess it always helps to cry.

Afterward, I went to work, after sufficient time had passed for my puffy tear-stained eyes to de-puff. I remember a thing or two from last week! After all that cathartic release I felt pretty calm for the rest of the night. B picked me up and took me to dinner, and now I am home.

The depression feels sticky, like it wants to keep pulling me in. So I'm trying not to allow that to happen. One thought that drives me crazy is of M seeing other women. I can't help it- it's my weakest link. When I feel bad about myself, I compare myself to other women and make myself feel even worse! I am trying to remind myself that M is not the beginning and end of the world- that there must be something better coming my way.

I'm going to do some release meditations now, and try to get some sleep. (early for me).

Love,
Duck

[previous] [next]