Dear Diary,

Well, home from my date, which I am not sure was really a date or not...

HC texted me about an hour before we were supposed to meet and said he had an unexpected meeting and could we meet a half hour later? I was already running behind so I texted back, "No problem."

He gave me the wrong address to the restaurant, so it took me a while to find it. I sat waiting for awhile and read my book, then HC called and said he was hurrying on over.

When he finally got there, he was huffing and puffing and out of breath!

He looked good, as always. We talked about several things, mostly work, and some trainings that he is taking, and mine, and stuff like that. He asked me about some of my other activities, and I felt quite odd because I realized I don't seem to have any- seriously- what the hell do I do?! Besides work, and writing in my diary, and sulking these past few months... yeah, first dates after a break-up are pretty awkward.

I tried to flirt but not too much. I really wanted him to kiss me goodnight or something, but I got the peck on the cheek. Maybe I was wishing too hard- that always does it. I kept checking in with myself, noticing when I was comparing him to M and OUR first date (often, I will admit), noticing when I was tense, and noticing when I was trying to please him (sometimes- when I declined garlic salad dressing because I thought we might kiss- but then he ordered it- then they brought me the wrong one, but I said I would eat it anyway- what's up with that?)

Oh well. Again, I'm not really sure if it was a date or not. Hard to tell. He was extremely polite and gentlemanly- he asked the waitress for anything that I needed and insisted I have the salad dressing I want; he opened doors for me; he paid for the meal; he was rather apologetic afterward, saying he had to go home early, and he hoped that was okay.... all very nice things that guys do on dates, right?

Who knows. I guess it's not that important. I feel pretty good just due to the fact that I let another man take me out to dinner, I spent some time embracing the fact that I am single and there might be someone else out there to meet. That for me is a huge step, and it may continue to be awkward for awhile until I have completely adjusted. But I am on my way and working with the energy to move it forward.

Oh. And, I found out that HC is 7 years my junior. That took a lot of the pressure off- for whatever reason, it just made me relax a whole lot more. I'm not really interested in dating a guy whose younger than thirty... that's a life milestone and I just don't think guys younger than that are looking for what I'm looking for. HC seems fairly intelligent, caring and warm and don't get me wrong, I wouldn't at all mind playing with him a bit- but he's not long-term material, and that's just fine. He even talked about all the traveling and stuff he wanted to do.

So I don't know if we will maintain any kind of connection, but I guess the important thing is I got myself out of the house and receiving some affection. I feel really proud about that.

I have given myself 5 intense months of alone time, so I *think* it might be okay to date- and I am aware that I have much work to do still. At least I noticed some of the things I was doing at dinner (I couldn't help but remember how comfortable I had been on my first date with M, but then again, we had talked on the phone for a month before that dinner even happened). So, not every connection will be like that... but in the perfect timing there will be one that's as good or possibly even better.

Parts of my brain want to cling to the hurt side, the crazed side that worries about M and him dating, finding someone... but in reality, if this night has shown me anything, it's that chemistry is not that easy to find. Being single is hard. Maybe it is as hard, or harder, than being married- I don't know.

And, in any case, we obviously have some lessons to learn, or else we WOULD be together. So again and again, I have to trust the Universe.

I know, I can hear myself still being half in and half out. I am in the World Between Relationships- that awkward phase of getting on my feet again.

But I think I'm doing okay.

Love,
Duck

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