Dear Diary,

Today, woke up angry. The usual story. How could M want to be with anyone else? How could he not miss me, not call me?

Jesus. I thought we did this one already. Apparently it is back again to bite me in the ass. So I raged a bit. I have a system:

First I take my whiffle bat and beat my pillows senseless, saying whatever I need to say to the person I'm angry at. Then I usually get on my knees on the bed and punch the pillows till I'm good and satisfied- yes, there's nothing like a little one on one contact with fists. Then I lie on my back and kick my legs and arms like a little kid having a tantrum.

Serena told me I should do anger release like this every day for at least 10 minutes a day. Since anger is the emotion I am least in touch with, and I tend to swallow it and accomodate everyone else.

Yeah, talk about swallowing. Today I felt like I was going to throw up- I know that I have swallowed a lot of anger in my childhood so it's not all about M. But I'm sure the incidence of him not choosing me at this time is bringing up all those past feelings of being picked over and basically told I'm not worth anything.

At this point, I feel like I don't want to see M at all (of course). Even though I asked for this meeting, now I am feeling all this pressure to look good and be cool when we finally do meet. I thought about doing another fast- since it makes my skin look great and relaxes me, but- it also might make me even skinnier. Some people would think this was great, but I've already lost such a significant amount of weight that I don't know what I would look like at that point. M might think I wasn't eating or taking care of myself at all- and he might take that to mean that I will never get over him. Which I might not, who knows.

In actuality, I probably look better (more rested, more toned) than when he left. Also I'm sure I've changed somehow energetically, since I tend to panic less. M is pretty sensitive to all that stuff, so he will probably notice that. Why can't that be enough? When I get really insecure I just nitpick my physical appearance so I can make myself feel worse. Ugh.

Luckily today I see Kate AND my therapist- so, maybe I can move past this issue. I achieved a peaceful state of mind once before, a few weeks ago, so I'm thinking that means it's possible again. I am beginning to understand that healing from something like this does not move in a linear format- it waves up and down... hopefully until it settles into something calm.

I know that my task now is to be happy. I wish I knew how to do that. Last night I watched a funny movie. I keep waiting to wake up and be inspired to do something. I guess I will have to check out all my options. With spring here it should get easier- don't you think?

Love,
Duck

[previous] [next]