Dear Diary,

Another day, another... I don't know what.

Rain today, I got to use my new umbrella. Had a client meeting and then met with Irinia. We used to work together, and hang out quite a bit, but for whatever reason, I started feeling really resistant to hanging out with her.

I get that way sometimes. For reasons unbeknownst to me, sometimes my "friends" suddenly start to irk me beyond belief. Maybe it has something to do with my anger, and my inability to express it? That might perhaps be it. I often felt that Irinia doesn't really have a lot of organizational or marketing skills, and she depends on me to help her. She wants to do all sorts of joint ventures together, but somehow I often end up feeling that she doesn't bring as much to the table, or even that communication is so difficult with her that I don't even understand what's going on. Somewhat like she is trying to "ride my coattails" to succeed.

Also, she doesn't listen to reason. Several months ago she got involved in a few projects that really weren't worth the time or the money- and she tried to pull me into them. I refused, saying that I wasn't interested in going backwards, only forwards- and those projects were not only bad ideas, they wouldn't generate any revenue due to location and poor pricing. She insisted that they would grow, and the low prices would actually provide incentive.

Wrong- people don't actually trust a price that's too low, suspecting that the product or service is no good! So of course her projects never got off the ground... and today I restrained myself from saying, "I told you so" when she was telling me today that those projects were a dead end and she needed to do something more profitable. (I hold my tongue because everybody has to learn for themselves- just look at relationships- you are drawn to whomever for a reason-and nobody "telling you so" will stop you- you have to do what you have to do until you're done, and ready for something else!)

She started to talk to me today about doing joint ventures and choosing dates and making a plan perhaps to give presentations once a month. I started feeling the same old feelings of being boxed in and having to commit to her, someone who doesn't even make wise decisions. I told her that due to my current traveling/training schedule and everything that has been going on, I didn't feel like I could commit to once a month anything- it felt like just too much for me. At least that cut some of the tension. We agreed to try a one-time event and see where it goes.

Really, in this realm I am so independent I am not interested in being partners or beholden to anyone. Last week Ginny made a stink because we had what she called "a scheduling conflict"- doing presentations on the same day. Granted we do work together sometimes but we are not partners. It is not a conflict for me because I am not competing with anyone or trying to edge anyone out. I trust that clients will be drawn to the person they work best with- and that's that. I'm not interested in playing games. Maybe other people feel threatened, but in my opinion that's just not trusting your product and service enough to believe customers are going to show up. If I have to accomodate the schedules of my sometimes-partners, friends, and colleagues, then when am I going to work? Ridiculous.

Irinia and I shared some food and somewhere along the line I started to feel really exhausted. My throat still hurts from yesterday and all that anger I vomited up. Also I felt really really tired. I was supposed to go meet Amber, but I was not feeling up to it, so I decided to go home.

Sometimes I feel bad about that, but I do this- I ask myself, if I was living back in a primitive culture, and I woke up feeling like this (tired or on the verge of getting sick), and I had my food all stored up and enough water and adequate safety, would I still go out hunting/gathering for the day or would I stay home and rest? If I feel bad enough, it's usually the latter- because anybody that depends on their health for survival, knows that a day of rest is worth way more than tiring your body out more. Sometimes in our world we tell ourselves we "have" to do things and we just need to "get through it". But I'm trying to love myself here, people, and I need to value my health! Now you know just another weird thought that runs through my head.

I am excited because I finally got the first part of season 3 of Desperate Housewives, so something reasonably interesting to watch. I do have to clean because Ginny is stopping by tomorrow, but I'm going to wait until I feel better to do that.

Right now my stomach is really bothering me, and I feel quite strange. I never get sick anymore, but if there is something wallowing around in my system, hopefully a good night's sleep will take care of it.

That is all.

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