Dear Diary,

Had a rough night. Watched a few episodes on DVD and then settled down for sleep. But at some point I started thinking to myself, what is the point of meeting with M anyway? What am I trying to accomplish? Maybe we are already done, and in that case, what's the purpose of seeing him again? Apparently it never occurred to him in all these months to experience me in person.... so maybe he doesn't even want this at all. It's something I wanted, but why do I want it? Maybe I don't, anymore. I don't care.

Usually when I start going into apathy, it is a warning sign... I tried to ask myself was I afraid to be vulnerable? Is that why I was numbing out so much? I hate to be the weaker one, the one that shows her feelings, acknowledges that she is hurt... Then I really just started feeling self-destructive and this is when I know indeed that all the old messages from childhood are coming up. I made a couple of phone calls to some friends but no one answered- it was, after all, 2am.

I tried to calm myself by pulling some cards. One of the cards that came up was Twin Flame- this has come up many times in regard to M. Another card was "Listen". The idea that guides are trying to talk to me and help me, and I just have to pay attention.

At that moment my phone rang, and it was Red. He said, "You just popped into my head, and then I looked at my phone and saw that you called me 6 minutes ago." So apparently, my guides are looking out for me.

Red and I talked for about 20 minutes. It can be really scary for me when I just numb out and don't want to exist anymore. I've decided I'm going to go to a hypnotist to look into it. It's not healthy, and I guess, it's not normal-- to feel so devastated and just lose myself like that. I'm just starting to realize that not everyone feels that way- it really is kind of a traumatic reaction. Since I can't pinpoint it to any specific event that I know about, maybe someone can help me get to the bottom of it.

Don't get me wrong- I'm not even so interested in the event- like some other nasty thing that happened where I can say boo-hoo, so and so did this to me... if you notice I don't really want to be a victim of anything. I just want a release from this feeling. It's hell being here but wishing you weren't. And I don't feel that way all the time- only at certain times connected with emotional pain.

So I'll be calling a few hypnotherapists today...

I felt better after talking to Red so I watched another episode of DHW on DVD, then went to sleep. I asked for a significant dream to give me some kind of answer, but all I got was a dream about a girl wearing a baggy sweater with a hole in it. Other dreams- I can't remember.

And a message from Ginny first thing. She felt like she was coming down with something and hadn't slept well at all, so she thought she had to cancel coming to see me today. She has to go out of town for the weekend so she didn't want to risk feeling worse. I called her back and said that was fine, haven't heard from her yet so I imagine she is catching up on her rest. I decided to clean regardless, just in case she does stop by and also, because it really needs to be done. So far I've done the bathroom and part of the bedroom. They are the easiest. For some reason kitchen, living area and home office are the hardest! I will keep chipping away at it though.

At this point, I've decided to keep the meeting with M. Closure is always good. Plus, I think it's important for him to see me in person (and maybe me him). I say that because I think men can really easily live in their heads, and make up all kinds of stories about the way things and people are.

For five months I have been just a voice on the other end of the telephone for him. But the experience of me in person- soft, alive, emotional, real and authentic- well, he should see what he is leaving. It's not about trying to convince him otherwise, but also out of respect for myself-- I won't give him the satisfaction of phasing me out without truly dealing with the reality of ME, who I am.

That's the least I can do for me.

Love,
Duck

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