Dear Diary,

Another day... woke up at a pretty decent time, although I was still quite tired. I didn't journal today and as a result don't remember any of my dreams, although I'm sure I had a lot- I always do.

I purchased another cleanse which was delivered yesterday. It's not a fast, so I guess I won't lose too much weight. Although, but I'm not sure, I might have gained a bit back- the last few days I have been eating a lot of meat and cheese. I probably should do a fast, but this cleanse was significantly cheaper to buy. I just want to detox a bit in the hopes of sleeping better and feeling better...

I've made a resolution to eat better as well. I did go to the store and buy some fruit and salad. My new intention is to eat fruit and salad everyday... I did several errands, buying a few cosmetics, office supplies, and the groceries. Then I came home and had salad and chicken.

Part of this new commitment comes from trying to get happy. Maybe I haven't been completely clear, because I find that some people kind of misunderstand what I say when I am "waiting". My waiting has gone from wondering what is going on with M, to just waiting to feel better. Ugh. I am just so tired of feeling crappy. And despite the fact that I love him, I'm tired of giving M this kind of power- that if he's not assuring me I'm okay, there's something wrong with me. I survived many years of my life not knowing him at all- now in a little over a year I have given him the say-so about how worthy I am? Just silly.

I decided that the best thing I can do is to do things that make me want to be with myself- I don't know if that explains it well enough... but things that make me feel good about myself and enjoy my own company... So, taking a shower was a good idea... I am on a journey to find things that bring out my happiness.

Yesterday I also made an appointment with a hypnotherapist. I'll be seeing her on Monday. I hope it has a significant effect, as I'll be seeing M in about a week. I just don't want to feel like shit. Even though I've decided that all I can really do is be authentic- what's the point of pretending that I'm stronger than I am, or happier, or okay with situations when I'm really not? I don't think any of that would fool M anyway.

I'm trying to keep my brain from creating stories. I can only be in this moment right now.... so, now I am going to get ready for work. And, think of more ways to love myself.

Love,
Duck

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