back to school [ 2008-03-23, 11:28 p.m. ]

Dear Diary,

Don't really know what to say. I was in an awful mood today, once again I woke up angry... I should have known better, because I felt anger moving around in me yesterday... but I chose to ignore it, and not do anything. So I slept like shit and then woke up feeling enraged. More release- the usual- jeez my neighbors might think I'm insane, but what can you do?

Red informed me that he was going to Irinia's brunch today and I better be there too or he was going to kick my ass. So I had to go. But I took my sweet time getting ready, purging my rage, taking a shower, etc. etc. I was hours late but hoping the flowers and sweets I brought would make up for it.

Irinia has a rather flaky personality anyway. She is always late for everything and as a result even the events she hosts start late. Also, she has a new apartment now but in true Irinia style, she gives crappy directions and it takes one forever to find it... by the time I got there Red was so glad to see me. The food was terrible- granted it was a potluck but the pickings were quite meager. The worst was when I dunked a chip in pea soup by mistake, because I thought it was guacamole! Then somebody made "healthy" cookies with absolutely no taste- literally- everyone who took a bite actually left the rest of their cookie on the table. If the cookies had a name, it would perhaps be "What's the Point?". See if the Girl Scouts could sell that one.

Red and I skipped out as soon as we could, and then I said I needed to go get something to eat- because I hadn't been able to eat anything there.

We wandered about town, got a quick snack, then went to an electronics place and looked at some things I might need for my office. Red was acting very silly and trying to cheer me up... I was in quite the mood today.

Red's friend was visiting and, this is the best part- she has a car and drove us out aways to the country and I got to pet some horses! So I think that made my inner child happy. Red doesn't know much about horses, or any kind of animal for that matter, as he grew up in a big city. So it was fun to talk about them and even teach him what I know about them. All of the horses were super sweet and very gentle. We talked about maybe going riding sometime. I think that would make me VERY happy.

Afterward, the three of us went to a bar and saw two bands. I liked the first one the best, but the second one was "darker" sounding and kind of started to depress me. For whatever reason, I had a flashback of M and I sitting at the piano. I just recalled with such detail this kind of smirk he gets on his face when he plays, and all of a sudden my heart felt all torn up. Thinking about how crazy I've always been about him, how I always felt lucky to have such a smart and handsome man in my life. It brought my whole evening down.

Luckily, however, I have gone back to school. After reading "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing", I also ordered the workbook from the library. At first when I got it, I started looking at it and thinking, oh, maybe I'm over all this codependent abandonment stuff- this doesn't appeal to me anymore. But since I have stacks of books out from the library, I've decided I need to wade through them and do all my homework. So I've started to read the workbook and do all the writing assignments in my journal. It is very definitely the right time to do this. She even says that this type of healing moves in cycles, and there are times when one will feel better, but then feel just as shattered as in the beginning.

So, one thing I like about myself is that I'm pretty dedicated to making myself a better person, and even having a better relationship with myself.

Tonight I read a caution about "confusing lingering reactivity as proof of how special and irreplaceable he was." Perfect description of what happened tonight at the bar- because I have this hurt, I think that is love. I actually associate love with hurt! She goes on to say that those of us who regularly "get abandoned" do this association of love=hurt so we continue to give our time and energy to relationships that hurt us, confusing insecurity with love. This is most likely due to always feeling insecure in our relationship with our parents and that love was conditional and easily lost.

Also this line: "...feeling insecure and idealizing those who cause us pain, sets the stage for 'abandonism'." I tend to do that as well. I say, oh M, he's this guy, he's the best, he's amazing.... uh, yeah, then why doesn't he call me? Obviously he's got some kind of blind spot if he can't see that I'm the most amazing woman he's ever met in his life... he is certainly not perfect.

When I read those lines, I rewrote them in my journal. It's time to knock M off the pedestal. Why do I want to be with someone who doesn't put any effort toward me? Do I want to, truly? No, I don't. If you've read this diary at all, you know that I put a couple of years of effort into Alphie who gave very little. Why would I want to do that again, try to prove to someone that I am loveable? He may be smart and handsome and incredible, but again... HE'S NOT DIRECTING ANY OF THAT ENERGY TOWARD ME!

All it means when I feel that hurt/missing for M is that, that was a good time in my life and I miss feeling that good. It doesn't even mean that M created that time for me- we created it together, in that moment. Both of us. It's not him alone that has all the power to make me happy. Sure I love his smirk, but would I be willing to crawl and grovel for his smirk? No, I would not.

So I feel like I am quite a bit more on track. M and I both have our problems, but I have to be careful about thinking that he is "more than" me- that he is the key to my happiness. I have lots of resources for myself, lots of ambition and intelligence and problem-solving ability. Also lots of love to give and a desire to receive love back.

I'm glad I've gone "back to school" because now I feel closer to the place I was a couple weeks ago- when I realized that the best thing for me was to just let M go- why hold on to something that, for many months, has given me nothing? No hard feelings, mind you, but, I DO deserve more.

Hopefully these feelings will last, and now I have this entry to remind me.

Love,
Duck

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