Dear Diary,
I could let myself slide down the slippery slope of miserability I suppose...
But I am trying not to.
Yesterday was about minimal activity, even though I worked a bit. The rest of the time I can be severely lazy. I started feeling really, really awful... so bad that I called my friends for help. Keith had the impression that the hypnotherapist I went to was second-rate, and hadn't successfuly integrated the work that she'd done with me, which was why I was still having these awful feelings. So he did a guided meditation for me, out of which came several realizations, and I felt better. He told me to lie down immediately to integrate it, so I did- falling asleep with all my clothes and makeup on at about 1:30am. That doesn't really feel so good waking up, but I guess I had a pretty sound sleep.
I woke up early, at 7:30am, and couldn't fall back asleep. So, I've taken a shower and puttered around cleaning and working- decided not to bother with laundry today, as it's just too much in one day.
Oh and another realization I had when I was lying there this morning between wakefulness and sleep- something like- "when you let go, everything comes back to you because you release the tension" and in that moment, my sleepy brain understood it totally and said, "Of course!" But then of course the more awake I become my ego gets in the way and I say, how do I do that?
I'm trying not to overthink the meeting with M. When I start to imagine a conversation or scenario, I just try to cut myself off. I just have to be authentic- myself- even if I am scared and sad. Yes, even if then, diary. I have to say goodbye, and let go of any expectation of us being together, as much as many parts of me don't want to do that. I have to set both he and I free, because if I truly believe that real love can only come from freedom, that is the only way to see... if we're meant to be we will be. And knowing this creates the cycle of wanting, and then hoping... and then there goes the letting go!
Oh, you wily ego!
So, one day at a time, referencing back to myself. When I start to feel that he is my world and the only thing good in it, I pull my energy back into myself and try to feel my body, my heart, my mind. I'm aware that my energy can splash all over the place. It's a trick- it's not love. Real love is not losing myself. Real love would be having myself AND him both-- not just him and NO me. That's why I have to work on the ME part, and get him out of my space- and if he comes back, well, then there will be a "me" to offer him. I realize that in the past men have left me because there was no me- I gave everything to them until I dissolved. Then they got bored, or distracted, or turned off, because there was no "me"- no resistance, nothing to bump up against, nothing to have a dynamic with. So they left.
This of course feels all easier said than done most times. But it is quite the epiphany for me. Today standing at my closet, had a flash of a thought of M with other women, which can upset me if I let it. But I must have really "been" with myself, because I just thought... so what, who cares anymore, let him do whatever he wants, I am tired of making myself crazy.
I would rather have myself at peace than be crazy at this point. I would rather have no M and no suffering than the M-suffering combo I have been digesting for months.
And, I am fairly desirable. I can go out and be with other men, other women... I have plenty of tools and resources.
Maybe I have indeed finally dismantled the pedestal I've had him on. He's a great person, but he's not the only fun person in the world. And I'm choosing a joyful life, right now, in this moment. I don't want to be mopey and controlled by these outside forces.
A good sign- I called and made an appointment with my wax lady for tomorrow. I have only waxed ONCE since M left in October.... uh.. I know... I got a little downhearted there. Thinking about the possibilities of being with someone else. So need to get in shape for that!
Work tonight....
Ah!
Love,
Duck
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