Dear Diary,

I'm not really sure what to write... I only got out of bed about a half hour ago. I woke up at several different times this morning, but I wasn't done dreaming... although I don't remember all the details of my dreams, they were very busy! I must really be working something out... there was one part where I must have been in some kind of class, and I realized that I didn't read a bunch of the books I was supposed to read... sound familiar? (Oh just a little. (The odd thing was that they were children's books...) Maybe it's a signal that since I have two papers due in two weeks, I should get cracking!

Not much else... I feel like I am just trying to pull everything together for the weekend with work and whatnot... And I'm not quite sure how I feel emotionally... I am certainly ready to "unhook" from M and I can't seem to figure out how to do that on my own so Keith said that maybe we could do a guided meditation together and that would help. I am just feeling very wary about going to another badly-trained hypnotherapist after the last one seemed to botch the end of my session and Keith had to calm me down and help me fix it. The truth is I would rather pay Keith for sessions over the phone, and he needs the money anyway, so it's a winning situation for both of us.

This week has been pretty damn profitable, so I think I'm able to completely pay off the dentist, as well as put a big chunk of cash down on my credit card (sigh of relief here...). I have also been paying back my mother each month, and last month I sent her two checks just because I could... so I sometimes doubt my financial responsibility because of my spending and what feels indulgent, but overall I think I am doing fine. Financially irresponsible people tend not to pay their bills- that's my understanding. Trying not to dig too deep of a hole... and I have pretty much stuck to my vow with my credit card to not do any impulse purchases.

Diet... that is another thing. I have started to eat sugar here and there. My mother sent me 4 boxes of cookies and I did open one... everytime I eat any I get a headache, but I will still eat them, they're so good in the moment... Luckily B came over and had several with his tea, so they are surely going- plus I gave him 2 of the boxes of cookies to take home. I have one box left and no intention of opening it- I need to get rid of it! One of my client's had a birthday yesterday and I also had a small piece of cake out of the desire to be polite. But basically I know at any given time that things like this are poison to my body and I will suffer later. However, I will do it anyway... so I'm thinking of doing another cleanse. I lasted almost six months after the last fast, it really affected my eating... so maybe I just have to do a fast every six months to keep myself on a more nutritionally even keel? It seems pretty important- just the weight loss alone from not eating sugar (and not quite sure what percentage of that weight loss came from losing M-) seems significant and a sign that my body does not really thrive on it.

I did call the GymMan and leave a message but he never called me back- I am wondering if he is the sort to check his messages. I really think getting back on track with that would help me tremendously, and if I work out there it's free, plus if I only do it on days that I have the late morning open, it will create some kind of routine that will help me get up at regular times, not to mention maybe relieve stress and help me get to bed earlier. (Ok I just called GymMan and I am going to go work out on Tuesday!)

I bought a shitload of vegetable and fruit, but have I eaten them? No! I will make an effort today to actually prepare them and eat them...

Part of all this is just to get my body in a place where I can look in the mirror and feel pretty good about myself. Summer is coming up, of course, but, it's more than that. I'm hoping that overall it will help my flagging self-esteem, and relief any mental anxiety.

So that's it for today. Just trying to figure out the game plan. I realize at this point that I am not ready to jump into any other kind of serious relationship until all the residual stuff from this one is completely cleared up. I'm not sure if I need to go back to Kate or not... I have been keeping appointments with my therapist, much as I dislike her sometimes.

But, it is like I mentioned an entry or two ago... four years ago, I was devastated by the breakup with Frank... yet I had no idea how my life would unfold for the better. Directly afterward I started training, met a ton of new friends, and was eventually launched on a path of believing in myself like I never had- even starting my own business and finally starting to feel like all my talents could be pooled together. So, at this point, who knows what is possible?

Love,
Duck

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