Dear Diary,

I am actually feeling like I'm getting sick, which is not surprising at all seeing as how I've been running around like a maniac for many weeks now. I've already taken a nap today and will probably take another one.

I am still in the same pattern and the same feeling. Yesterday in the training, I did feel better and like there was hope for me- things changing and shifting. It all seems to be a matter of time, but time goes very slow... there was no new developments in the social aspect of the class- Grace was there and we exchanged very few words, mostly just hello, and she left 45 minutes early when the class was still going on. It might be my imagination but I sense that she is getting rather tired of Alphie and maybe even trying to focus more on herself, judging from some of her comments I overheard. Not surprising to me...

I was talking with a friend and he asked if I might move, if I had any new plans coming up for my life. I don't at all. I had some fantasy that I would move closer to M and make the commute easier for both of us and this would eventually ease us into moving in together, but now I see what a fantasy that was. Maybe the whole thing was a fantasy- I really did not see just how "not done" he was with his divorce- I guess, having never been married, it's easy to understand why I wouldn't have known that. It's not quite like a relationship of a couple of years- in marriage you really invest in the person and the concept of a future with them. Apparently, I do that anyway, and I get my heart broken. I try to imagine what my life would be like if I just gave up on love and followed whatever dreams I have, maybe I will have no one, and no children.... for the first time in my life I am feeling like time is running out for that and it's frustrating and sad for me.

I suppose I will make better decisions once this numbness goes away- I'm not sure what it is... if I have been through shock, denial, grief and anger... heading into acceptance I hope... but perhaps this numbness is just a further aspect of grief, grief that I've held a long time. I guess I should just squeeze it all out like a sponge... after all... once every drop is gone, what in life can hurt me? All my life I've been trying to protect myself from just this, and it happens over and over and over again, and cuts deeper every time.

That's it. I'm just going to sit here and drink some tea and look out the window at the wind blowing through the trees, and wait for time to pass so these clouds can blow through my brain and eventually, someday, I will feel better. And I know there will be no prince charming that will come riding in and make it all better, it will just have to fix itself inside of me... but I give up on knowing how to do that.

Till then,
Duck

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