Dear Diary,

Not that I have anything to say, but I am updating nonetheless. Had an okay night's sleep, and I wish I could rest more. Sometimes I really don't think out all my travel and it feels like I'm moving and moving with no rest at all... and I guess that's not so good for a person.

I am noticing I keep forgetting to add little odds and ends to my entries. Like forgetting to mention about Aleda for the past couple of weeks (I guess it's not that important to me!)

Well also more than a month ago I put away all the pictures of M and anything he gave me. I thought that was a positive step and I should just tell you about it.

And of course I can't remember anything else I wanted to mention at this point. I am tired today and don't really feel like dealing with Gail. I notice that every time I see her, there's a new issue that's all about her.... and we have to hear about it continuously. I am realizing more and more that it is just part of her personality and she does not like to appear vulnerable yet she likes all the attention all of the time- it's all a big sham. But I'm just kind of getting sick of it.

Also, speaking with Keith the other day a similar thing happened. For as long as I've known him Keith has had problems making money. But I can see how he sabotoges himself as well. He doesn't ask for a decent amount for his individual work and he also doesn't get jobs where they pay him enough, and then he won't ask for a raise. So it's almost like he is resistant to receiving a decent wage. He was asking me my opinion about how could he expand his own personal business and stop going into debt and I gave him some ideas, then I pointed out what I had noticed about his attitudes about money and suggested that maybe we could do a few things to change those attitudes.

Well. Apparently that was the wrong thing to say because I felt he got very defensive and started going on about how he used to be very greedy and he was afraid that would happen again. I suggested that maybe it was all about finding a balance of having material wealth and still having a generous spirit, and he started going on and on about how much other "stuff" he had in his life besides money and how well he was taking care of himself etc. etc. So I must have hit a nerve there, but the truth is that Keith DOESN"T take very good care of himself, he mostly lives off credit cards, often has health problems, never has relationships that last more than a few weeks and hardly feels like he is "here" in the real world. By pointing this out I must have tapped into some really old fear so, I guess I know not to go there again! Just trying to help!

I guess what these couple of instances have taught me is that nobody is perfect and everybody has their stuff- and it seems the deeper I go into my stuff, the more I start to notice it in my friends as well. It's all just part of life I guess.

I just really don't know where I should go from here. Life is okay and moving along, but, I'm not feeling very passionate or excited about much of anything.

Love,
Duck

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