Dear Diary,

I've been away with no access to Diaryland- didn't want to risk updating on a strange computer. If anything I try to be careful because I really do want this diary to remain private from my life- I put so many of my thoughts here.

It has been an okay couple of days, with some really hard spots. I am struggling with this idea of being witnessed. I will see Gail and Craig this weekend and truthfully not looking forward to it so much- I worry that I will feel that same pressure and judgment. I guess that will only happen if I take it on, and there's always a choice about that.

Thoughts about M- well- they've been there... although a few days ago I reminded myself that I have been thinking about him in terms of him having it all together when in truth, it is not like all his baggage disappeared and he got perfect once we broke up. I am sure he is still confused, unsure and even as depressed as before/during the time we went out... in some ways that just makes me feel better, to think that he's struggling too- it's a terrible feeling to think that somebody has just moved on to a better, more perfect life and just left you behind... I remember M used to talk about FMM doing just that, and I used to say, "Why does it have to be a competition?" Now I understand that it just feels shitty.

ZZ read my cards and I'm really not sure but she seems to think I will have a "mentally clear" man in my life within six months.... my question in my head was, "Is M coming back?" and it seemed clear that someone is coming but does that mean it's M? I guess in the end, it doesn't matter, I'll have some kind of lover and hopefully it will be even better than last time...

Two crazy things that happened:

1) I forgot to mention, that Aleda came back- she was traveling for several months. One day I asked Steffy about her, and Steffy said she had returned. Two minutes later I looked down at my phone and Aleda had called me! Weird, huh? At first I felt this sense of dread, and imagined oh no, is she back to bother me, ask me out to lunch to eat terrible food and listen to her bitch and moan? But then I thought, well, maybe she has matured through all her experience, and it will be easygoing. Then I imagined that the dynamic of our relationship would be much different. Then I listened to the message. She needed something (of course) - papers that she left behind when she took off, and I guess she needs them for taxes now, and entrusted them to someone but can't remember who. That was it- kind of a cold message. I eventually returned the call and left her a message that I don't have them, and that was that. Later I told Emily about them and she said she thought they had the papers- but they are in some storage facility somewhere because she has moved and changed offices and the whole deal! So... I guess Aleda and I won't be paling around, at any rate...

2) I was watching TV last night and this insurance commercial came on and GUESS WHO was the guy in this commercial....... have you guessed yet??

W! That disappearing, super-flakey weirdo. Well. This is the second disappearing act I've actually seen on TV... I guess that's what happens to all my exes, they go to Hollywood. Anyway it was weird, kind of a moment of, is that?.... yes, it is! and then this weird slightly shocked feeling afterward. Oh well.

Life is strange, no?

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