12:37am [ 2008-04-28, 12:37 a.m. ]

Dear Diary,

Well, I survived the weekend. It was all okay.

It was nice that we had Friday off, even though I had to get up early yesterday morning and take the bus. When I arrived, Craig was there, and he said, "I almost called you this month, but I didn't..." Huh. Who cares?

I thought I was going to get in trouble because I never purchased one of the books for this class. We were told we are supposed to read this particular book at our own pace, so my reasoning was to order it from the library, wait till it comes in, and then read it all at once. Only for some reason, it must be a pretty popular book because I have been waiting for it for three months. But last month we all (the students in the training) got a severe talking-to about doing a half-assed job on our papers, and then we were grilled on the reading we had done. I admitted I hadn't read the book and tried to explain my logic but got cut off and scolded for it anyway. Well if I am allowed to read it at my own pace, how can you yell at me for not reading anything?

I still don't have the book, and I haven't purchased it just out of spite. But instead I have to share a room with Sandra in this training and she had all her materials piled by her bed. She also has a habit of spending all evening in the common room talking to her boyfriend on the phone, so I just borrowed her book for a couple hours, and read six chapters, and I was still in bed asleep by the time she came in. See. I told you I'm a fast read. What's the point of buying the books when I read them so fast?

Then today, just to be a brat and prove I had read, I suppose, I initiated discussion on the reading, and what do you know but nobody else in the class had read much of anything in this particular text (we also have two other books which we are supposed to read chapters monthly, so that is a considerate amount of reading - not to mention that I have to read one book per month for my other training- Serena's class!). Sandra had read the most out of anybody else, and she was rather vague, saying "one or two chapters" which probably at most means one chapter. Craig, who was such a snot last month about lecturing everyone else in the class about how we should all do our work and how fabulous he was doing, admitted to being on page eight. He didn't have much to say.

So really I was the only one who had much to say and I don't know if the teacher (who last month, excuse me, was such a bitch) was impressed or not, but at least now nobody can say I don't do my homework. Now I have a few months in the bank, I suppose, so I can relax. And if Sandra brings her book next month I'll just finish the damn thing.

Reading to page eight wasn't enough to stop Craig from being annoying, and one girl in the class even got right in his face and said, "I see YOU didn't do much this month," which must have really bothered him. Gail and Craig were at each other's throats all weekend, and if there's one thing about Gail, she doesn't hold back. She was saying things like, "I want someone else in my life, you are just not a good enough boyfriend for me," but that seems to trigger Craig to try harder and harder to make her happier. I guess that's the relationship...

I still feel like crap. There is something definitely wrong with me, and I suppose I need to go back to hypnotherapy. Yesterday morning I woke up again in a state of shock- that same, "I can't believe he doesn't love me," in my head. And today was similar- "I'm a single woman!" It is bizarre. I spoke with Keith and he insists I am having a spiritual crisis. His reasoning: "Your whole childhood, you felt unloveable, and basically, your worst fears have been confirmed- M loved you, and he left you. Why should you believe the Universe? Why should you believe in love?"

Well that makes a lot of sense. Mind you I will say it again, even though I obsess about him daily, I am aware that my problem is not M. I think my thoughts of him are symptoms of a deeper problem. And my anger IS at the Universe- a kind of "what the fuck?!" feeling of, why did you give me somebody to love and then take him away? I am just really concerned because my thoughts are not rational, and especially this first-morning shock that occurs again and again, is a sign of some kind of trauma that my brain is trying to work out. Today after class Gail and I went to a yoga class, and somewhere in there I became convinced that something is terribly wrong, and I have been deceived somewhere, and that M has lied to me about something horrible- that I have ridiculed myself by believing him up to this point. And then I started to cry. In yoga.

So I am asking the Universe for some kind of sign, because right now this life I am living is not working for me. What is the point, really, of being attached to some person who does not even think of me? I need help.

And, I need sleep.


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