Dear Diary,

At 6:30 A.M. this morning I awoke from quite the visceral dream:

I was lying in the back, reclining seat of LilyB's SUV... she pulled to a stop and then turned around to attend to me. I had a huge belly and there were streaks of blood running down my legs.

"Oh, you poor girl," she said, and I replied, "Nothing yet." Then I was sitting up, in the front seat. There was blood spattered everywhere in the car, across the dashboard and rearview mirror. "Sorry about all the blood," I said sheepishly, but LilyB and another woman just acted like, 'hey, that's how it is.'

I was introduced to someone... LilyB said, "This is... (did she say my name? I am trying to remember what she called me)..." and I said, "Between contractions." And two men helped me get down. One was my doctor-and he was the eldest son from Six Feet Under, the one with the spiky hair. I kept telling him, "I love my doctor! You're so awesome!"

Next thing I am in a living-type room with one of my clients, a very pretty, young girl and she has cool rubber gloves on and is touching my belly, in the position of midwife. We are just talking but it's obvious that it's time. Then I wake up.

I am supposed to get my period soon, so maybe I was feeling some cramps, and in the dream they melded into contractions... it was a pretty intense dream. Maybe it means I am on the verge of birthing something new?

Last night I stayed up a little too late, but before I went to sleep I did make my vow to the Universe and said somebody needed to show me some kind of sign that I am loveable, somebody needs to prove it to me or I am just not into this anymore. I am so frustrated, and it's not just this "poor-me" scenario either. I am really done with being numb and feeling nothing, and then having this crazy obsessive thing. When I said that tears just shot out my eyes... couldn't even see those coming. So maybe the dream was a sign. Aftward I went back to sleep, and now that I've awoken again, I keep seeing M on the day he left here, his eyes filled with tears, driving away. Sometimes, you never know when the last time you'll see a person will be. And you never guess that he will totally transform and go from acting like a person who loves you and doesn't want to leave you to acting like an obnoxious teenager.

Today, I feel like my house smells like a catbox, but I have never had a cat. I was at Gail's house yesterday after yoga, and she has a cat- a smelly old one that of course wants to sit on me every chance it gets- and now maybe that smell is stuck in my nose? I am not sure. Or maybe it is some kind of side effect from having the sniffles so long.

I am supposed to meet Drew today, and work tonight, but I am not feeling very positive about it. Surprise.

I need help.

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