#2

Dear Diary,

Well I just deleted my MySp@c3 profile. I've not been on there for over a month... maybe a month and a half. But all I do when I go there is check M's (fake) profile and see if he's been there... and he logs on every 3 to 4 weeks or so. It is useless, and destructive, because even though I've had several friends on that site, that part always feels like it crushes me. Plus, I do the worst thing I could do which is go look at FMM's profile. She is a real MySp@c3r and updates everyday, writes articles, posts photos of her and her new love and their supposed happy home. It is the wrong thing to do, for many reasons: 1) she's so classically beautiful that it just makes me feel ugly and depressed; 2) I feel violently angry that she moved on and left me with a wounded man (that she HELPED create, because she certainly didn't try to help HIM) that couldn't love me- I know that's a little crazy but, who said anger was rational???

Anyhow I am on the brink of self-destruction, my own spiritual crisis... it is beyond normal depression and really kind of a desperate search for a reason for living. Again not necessarily having to do with one person but rather the consistent loss that I have been feeling in my soul. If killing my MySp@c3 profile is what needs to happen, well then... I'm okay with that! It's too much pressure for me to have superficial online friendships anyway. I feel much more supported here at Diaryland.

I know, I have made all these plans. My favorite new diary is the Red-Headed Princess. She has a weight-loss journal but it is more of a hilarious adventure. Reading her inspired me to perhaps turn this into more of a yoga journal. For years and years I've imagined myself becoming a yogic person (is that the word?) but of course never doing anything about it. Even thinking about pregnancy and childbirth (hello, this morning's dream...) and kind of thinking, "Well by that time, I'll be really good at yoga, and I'll know how to breathe." Well who knows if that will ever be for me, because I really thought M was the one and now I am just feeling like I'm getting too old. But, you never know. And I certainly don't want to be all stiff.

Also I promised GymMan I would start with him again, tomorrow. I don't know how many days I will be able to make it to the gym, but I thought something would be better than nothing. I purchased the fasting cleanse again and figured I would do that on GymMan's vacation in mid-May, since I don't know if I'd have the strength to work out.

I set up my visit with Delia, and she got us tickets to a play. She must have been trying to make nice after our last fight. I usually go visit her once a year but I didn't go last year. She even offered to help me pay for my flight, so she must really want me to be there.

So my thinking is I can do all this stuff; gym, yoga, cleanse and proper eating, trainings and visit with Delia and maybe get a tan and just re-evaluate at the end of the summer. Give myself more time. My friend pointed out that technically I have only been broken up since the beginning of March, because all the separation stuff is just too ambiguous to consider as a real breakup. So I could be stinging from that. And losing my faith in the Universe, well, I don't know how long it takes one to recover from that. So maybe, if more time goes by, I will feel less destructive. We can see. I feel like I keep giving myself a longer and longer deadline. But what happens when one tires of deadlines? I scare myself.

So I'm going to get off the computer, do 3 or 4 yoga poses and get in the shower so I can go to work. I guess I won't completely blow off the day.

[previous] [next]