Dear Diary,

Well. I did not make it to the gym....

I had every intention. I put on my gym clothes, brushed my teeth, ate a quick breakfast, threw gym shoes in my bag. I was late, as usual.

Walked out the door, got about 2 blocks down and realized I was freezing. What the hell. Normally I would just continue on in my not-warm-enough coat, but I just did not want to freeze all the way there and all the way home. I would need to go back and get a warmer coat. I was already 11 minutes late in leaving the house.

At that point, I realized I'd be very late- GymMan teaches a class at noon and I need to be there AT NOON so he can let me into the gym. See, the gym is in the office building where I used to work, so you need a special pass, and I don't have one anymore. So the only way I can get in is if I am WITH GymMan. And he is only there at the same time every day, 12-2pm. It is kind of a drag, because I can't go to the gym when I want to, only when he is there... and if I am late... I have to stand outside and wave at people on the machines and see if someone will have the heart to let me in, and then I can sneak into his class.

But I realized that last time I left the house about 15min late, I was lucky enough to catch all the breaks- my buses went express and things moving along quickly... and I was STILL LATE. That's the other thing about the gym. I don't know why, but it takes a long ass time to get there.

And today I just said fuck it. I went home and realized that not only did I not want to be freezing, I also did not want to be crazy rushing around, late, and begging people I do not know to let me into the gym. The chances of me being a mere 15min late were even slim- I probably wouldn't be there until 12:30, and then the stomach class would be half over. So I called GymMan and told him I am coming tomorrow. He is, of course, excited to see me, and we'll have to see if he tries to molest me in the elevator.

I was so chilled by my excursion that I just put my pajamas on, got in bed and read my book for an hour or two. Whatever. It was cold and raining this morning, and I am definitely getting my period!

I did make it to therapy. Today therapist was much softer, and more motherly. I think I really called her on the carpet last time and she has made up her mind to support me wherever I am.

Of course as soon as I am there and it's time for me to talk, I just start to cry. I confessed to her how unhappy I am. Really, I must expend a lot of energy to hold in all this grief all week long because as soon as I get in that room, all these tears come exploding out. I told her about waking up every morning and being SHOCKED and SURPRISED every morning- it is crazy and how can I control my first feeling upon waking? She told me that this has been a very deep experience for me and that it was a process that would take time.

Then she said she would like to support me and how could she do that (see, taking a tip from the last session)? I always feel like she wants me to collapse in her arms and let her hold me, but that kind of wigs me out. I'm not ready to do that, but we talked about some way where I could receive from her, and I said maybe she could hold my feet? That seemed safe enough and she agreed so I took my shoes off and she held my feet. Does that seem weird to you? Well at times like this I actually like therapist, because she is willing to try weird things. She wanted me to look at her while she did this, and I was having a hard time because to me, her look of caring and concern created lines on her face that reminded me of the sadness and loneliness on my mother's face, and it didn't feel like she was taking care of me at all but rather like I was supposed to take care of her. When I mentioned this to therapist she asked me how was I supposed to take care of my mother? And I answered by worrying about her feelings more than mine. And then she asked me what picture I had that could best describe my relationship with my mother, and the visual image that came to me was that I was like a little grey moon that was in my mother's orbit. I revolved around her and sometimes she would shine some light on me, but very rarely, and even then the light was just reflected back to her. I was a little grey moon that was hollow inside.

If the idea of talking to a woman who's holding your feet and describing yourself as a little hollow grey moon seems like craziness to you, I don't know what to tell you.

I told her how sometimes these same kind of feelings come up with Gail- like it has to be all about Gail in my friendship with her. This past weekend I had feelings of rejection from Gail- not surprising I guess because I have been rejecting her in some ways. But we had talked about working on a few projects together and I have been "replaced" with other girls on those projects. And the main one in which Gail now says she wants to do alone.

Rationally I have realized that Gail is a very fearful person. She is afraid to do a lot of things by herself, I noticed- afraid to drive somewhere she doesn't know in the dark, afraid to travel alone, afraid to be in a city where she's never been before. But if you met her you wouldn't know it, because she puts on such a good front.

But I realized that the projects we talked about probably never came from a true spirit of wanting to collaborate with me- instead I think she was just afraid to do it alone.

Also, her whole world is about looking like she's got it together and is not afraid of anything, or ever wrong (kind of like Alphie, when I think about it!). That's why she's with Craig. She says the meanest things to his face, about how he is always doing things wrong and she is going to get a new boyfriend. Like a beaten dog, that just makes him work harder at being her boyfriend.

When I first met her, I DID think she had it all together- I thought she was much braver, and stronger, and more successful financially than she really is. But over the years I have learned that her relationship is a dramatic mess, her finances are a shambles and she is afraid of so much. And I think I have come to threaten her in some way.

I know that the way M and I handled our affairs may have made her jealous- she would often say she was amazed that we were so mature and that she wanted she and Craig to communicate like we did. M and I had a good communication- he was always VERY honest with me and we were both really compassionate with each other. As opposed to Craig and Gail who would be punching holes in the wall and throwing plates at each other's heads! Also I was able to pull it together to commit to Serena's class... and it wasn't until some time ago when discussing it with Kate that I realized- maybe Gail is a little JEALOUS of me. About the maturity, and about me getting to go to training. Because she wants to be the smart, strong one but what if I act more mature or I'm learning something she doesn't know?

And that's why I think she replaced me with those girls. Those girls all look up to her and think she has all the answers. But I have "rejected" Gail of late by not filling her in on all the details of M- because I don't want to hear all of her opinions, and she just tells Craig everything anyway, and then I have HIM to deal with- and last time to her face I said, "It doesn't matter what you would have done, I don't need to hear it, I needed to do what I needed to do- this was about ME-" when she went into her thing about how she would have left M after five weeks of not speaking.

Me getting a "self"- starting to trust myself more than her, no longer asking for her advice or looking up to her on every matter-particularly the M matter- well she probably doesn't like that. She needs to be surrounded by other women who think she's the big cheese and has all the answers. I know Gail, and I know she likes nothing better than to sit at a table of women and answer their questions and/or tell them what they should do, one by one like she is the teacher and everyone else is the students.

When Gail told me I was "replaced" even though I know all this stuff rationally, it was like all the old little-girl "please love me feelings" came up and I felt really rejected. But then I had to remind myself of all of the above- Gail's fear and protective measure and all of that.

Therapist and I have been talking about me getting some female friends that are more like me, into the things I am into, and not too frigid or emotionally closed (like Emily) and not too bossy or controlling (like Gail). Not to say that I still can't be friends with them but I am not being fulfilled very much by friendships where I am the hollow grey moon.

Anyway of course at the end of all that my eyes were super puffy. I didn't have to go to work for another two hours though so that gave them significant time to de-puff. De-puffing is serious business.

I wanted to write more. I wanted to write something different, actually. But this is what came out.

So maybe tomorrow.

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