goals, nice memories, and hmm [ 2008-05-01, 6:15 p.m. ]

Dear Diary,

Well last night I did not go to bed on time. I have been doing pretty well with an early bedtime, which I think benefits me, but last night I just felt so crampy, I just wanted to lie in bed with my heating pad and watch movies, which I did. Till 3am or so.

I went to the gym yesterday-made it on time- and did 30 minutes on the elliptical and 30 minutes of arm weights. I had cramps all day and felt like a turd, but I worked out and then had a client meeting and a presentation! I said I'd be back today, but... I called GymMan this morning expecting to have to defend myself (isn't that funny) because I had made the promise to come three days this week. But all I said was, "I'm a little sick today," and he said, "Yes, you looked a little sick yesterday, in your eyes. You feel better and I hope you can come tomorrow."

I'm guessing that my impending period just shows on me- cramps make me so exhausted- and that's what he saw in my eyes. But it is very interesting that my knee-jerk reaction is that I have to DEFEND myself for little simple things, even things like taking care of myself or having sicknesses and other situations out of my control going on.

Regardless, I went back to bed, and have just been eating and watching movies from here... ha ha. My arms are also a bit sore from the weight lifting yesterday... the part behind the armpit. I have a hard time lifting my arms over my head at the moment! That's okay. I got on the scale yesterday at the gym, and I weigh what I did when I first met Frank, which is pretty good... considering that for a long time I have been several pounds heavier than that. GymMan says another few pounds off should look very good on me. We talked about my goals and that really consists of tightening and lifting. Lifting particularly in the ass area. I like the elliptical a lot because I feel like it tones the whole body and keeps my thighs from rubbing together and chafing, which is a big deal in the summertime.

So I am kind of looking forward to feeling strong again and being lean and, svelte.

I always feel very motivated in my head when I am lying around with my period, even if my body has other ideas. I don't get as sick as I used to, not as much nausea- it used to be that I couldn't walk across the room without feeling like I had to throw up. Thank God for acupuncture, it seems! But still, some women have their periods and they are still able to be active- if I could get healthier, I would.

So, a healthier body in many respects. I haven't eaten my salad yet today but I did yesterday and picked up more at the store, along with other things for healthy meals. Spent quite a bit of money, but none of it on the card, so that's good. Better eating, exercise, sleep and yoga, and I should be in very good shape.

Mental health: going to keep going to therapy, and thought about going back to see Kate too. Maybe there is something more she could help me with, to lift some of these feelings. I would like to do more hypnotherapy but I really feel very wary of trying to find someone and paying a high price for an intake process when I've already done that with someone and it did not work out.

Business and Finances: I think it will be a profitable summer. I got a fairly substantial check this week and used half of it to pay on my credit card right away. The credit card for me seems to be how some people struggle to lose weight, and the weight never goes down no matter how they try. That's the way it seems to go with me. I can't get below this number. As soon as I get close, some catastrophe occurs and I have to spend more money, or somehow it just sneaks up on me in small increments, like the time I had to put $6.53 sense of the grocery bill on there because I didn't have enough cash. Or the time I felt like I had to buy Nia breakfast because she was so nice to me and lent me her car. I tell myself at the time that I will go pay that amount on the card before the bill comes, but of course I forget and before you know it, here is this huge number that is a cumulation of all those little numbers... crap.

But I will continue to work on it and be more accountable with those expenditures. I may have to forfeit certain items at the store and continue to only use cash.

I've been pretty good in terms of my debt- I still have to send checks to my mother every month. I'm not sure if I have enough at this point to pay off the dentist or not, I have to re-evaluate my expenses. But as soon as I pay off their bill, I have to go back again for a cleaning, which I am dreading, since my dentist is on maternity leave and I hate other people touching my teeth. It's a weird thing that I have.

Oh and I finally got a return email from Louie- I follow the standard referral policy that most people use and so I told him what he had "earned". Well apparently, he had it in his brain that something else was going on and maybe I had had 80 referrals from him or something?, when in actuality it was more like 3. So then he writes this email that, "This really doesn't amount to much so it doesn't matter one way or the other." What a fucking nut. I mean, maybe you though you were going to get $500, but then someone says, here's $50-- wouldn't you still take the $50? I mean it's not a huge amount but it's still money, right? It's still 50 bucks you didn't have before that you can buy toilet paper or gum or help pay the rent with- right? Louie is such a freak. He must have had some big number in his head and hoping to pay off his @mex and now $50 won't cut it, so all the sudden he's Mister Cool? And the thing about him is that you KNOW in 6 months he will probably bring it up again and act like I screwed him out of something, so I think I'll just give it to him anyway so he'll have to keep his little whiney baby mouth shut. The fucker. Drew says that Louis is an 'expert crazymaker', and we know this is true. Shame on me for thinking he might have actually changed. Please Diary, if ever I begin to utter a WORD of possibility about working with him again, or even getting within 10 feet of this nut, please, SAY WHATEVER YOU MUST SAY, quote my old entries if you have to, but please, STOP ME.

Fun: I really don't know. I have so much school going on, and that's... enjoyable to me, but I guess not what someone would call fun. One of my ex-colleagues is now a professional hairdresser in a very fancy salon and I am getting a REAL HAIRCUT, probably for the first time in my life. I never get my haircut and usually whoever does it (in the cheap places) doesn't know how to deal with my hair texture and I usually hate it. But this is DEFINITELY UPSCALE and this girl said she could give me a whole new look. So I imagine something quite a bit sexier in store for me, which is kind of exciting.

The other day I used a "before" product in my hair- wet my hair, put the stuff in (smells really good- like a fruity dessert) and then 15 min later you do your shower and hair washing and the whole thing. Well my hair was REALLY shiny and luxurious feeling so I think I need to be more of a girl and use it regularly! Plus it smells really good.

I must want some kind of makeover desperately, because I bought new shoes... sandals with cork bottoms and black straps, for the summer.... I can't find the St3v3 M@dd3n slides I liked so much for so long... I used to buy them every year and now it looks like they don't even make them anymore, instead all the summer shoes look either completely ridiculous or like torture devices.

And, I bought lipstick. I have been searching forever for lipstick ever since they stopped making my absolute favorite. This one is still not right but perhaps it will look better as the summer continues and my skin darkens up a bit. It feels nice, anyway. I was wearing it in bed last night as I was watching my DVDs.

I've been thinking about going to one of those fancy department stores and getting a makeover. I am pretty good with my own makeup, but nowadays I wear mascara and liner and nothing else. Maybe I want to get some really nice shadow. Something more on the expensive side that doesn't clump. M would always remark on how he liked a lot of eye makeup. I don't think I ever wore enough for his tastes. Not that I think eye makeup would have kept us together, haha, but sometimes my mind goes back and tries to find all the mistakes I might have made. (That's one of the best I could come up with.) Still this would be for me. I like kind of a smokey-eye look and I guess I need quality shadow if I'm going to be wearing makeup in the stickiness of summertime.

Incidentally, here are some things I really love about M, just cause I feel like writing them:

1. Whenever we went to the grocery store, he would buy me a "girly product". This is how I discovered the yummy-smelling hair product. It may sound weird, like he was treating me like a little kid, but in fact it delighted me, having grown up being rather neglected in many ways and never being doted on. But in the store I got to pick whatever I wanted from the girly aisle (sometimes two or three things if he felt he'd been an asshole and wanted to make it up to me). So I tried all kinds of cosmetics, hair and skin products that I normally wouldn't have purchased for myself. In this way I think M kind of taught me that I deserved those things, because a few weeks ago I didn't bat an eye at paying $15 for a teeny tiny jar of eye cream. It was quality stuff and I wanted it, so I just bought it. M was very generous with his money and I think his generosity rubbed off on me in being more generous to myself.

2. I like a nice bath and M and I would sometimes take baths together. I would use all the nice stuff- salts and bubbles- and we would just talk and connect in a really sweet way. Sometimes I would sit on top of him, with his legs under mine and my legs wrapped around him, hugging each other... and.... this is my favorite part... he would scoop up warm handfuls of water and let it wash down my back, so I would stay warm. It felt like the most nurturing thing in the world and it brings tears to my eyes just to think about it. I would do the same for him and we would just sit there, hugging and snuggling and bathing each other with scoops of warm water.

3. M is just mad hot. Not only is he smart, and funny, and talented about many things, but he has a beautiful body. I've never felt so physically attracted to anyone in my whole life... everytime I saw him naked I just wanted to lick and kiss and suck on him. I guess the downside of this is that other women (and even men) were fairly attracted to him too! But, what are you gonna do. In his younger days M got an offer to be a model, but he didn't pursue it. It did make him kind of vain though, but he would admit it. That's what I like about him. He was just honest. His thing was about being fake- he was honest that sometimes he was just so overly concerned with what things looked like on the outside, and he felt like he was a fake. Whereas I feel pretty real on the inside, but embarrassed for being so vulnerable, and not pretty enough on the outside. Hmm. Quite a couple, we made. Anyway, it wasn't just the body- because we know, Diary, don't we- from dating Alphie- that a gorgeous body doesn't make you good in bed. But M is a passionate person and what I would call "persistant" :) in the bedroom.

So. I just felt like writing that. I know that I didn't write much here when we were dating, so nobody in Diaryland knows about him. But there was so much good, and I really do believe that he is a confused, neurotic person trying to pull himself together like the rest of us, and did not intend to hurt me. If anything he was so honest, about his insecurities, fears, and emotions.... about his facade of vanity and all that... I so appreciated it... it was different than being with Frank or Alphie, who tried to find a way to blame me for their own struggles within themselves.

In the worst of times I feel rejected, abandoned, and bummed out... but I know M worried about doing that to me... I know he tried the best he could do. I think, still, to this day, that he is a good person that just tried his best. And even when I talk to him and he is all closed off and even kind of acting like an asshole, I think that's just his fear and all his pretending and trying to hold it in. Because he's a neurotic freak, trust me, and I really enjoyed him that way. He just couldn't enjoy himself.

And it feels nice, to still be able to just think and write about these sweet things without having to DEFEND MYSELF (see above) like that which has become the norm with Delia and/or Gail, who want to hate M and make him the enemy. This breakup was really nobody's fault, unless you want to blame our parents, who fucked us all up.

So, maybe I have something in store for me that is sweeter still, somebody who would do all this and more. It seems hard to believe. I will be honest and say there is a part of me that wishes M would come back... and even says maybe we will meet again in a year or two when we are both better? I don't know... and I am aware that it is not a matter of waiting for that to happen because waiting just fucks things up, but instead continuing to find myself in this process.... that nothing is known... possibilities are endless... and it is useless to try to figure out the mysteries of the Universe. I am only here for the ride, after all.

Hmm.

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