irritations and "as long as it takes" [ 2008-05-05, 3:17 a.m. ]

Dear Diary,

No, you're right, I'm not in bed and I screwed up again.

I stayed home, in bed, and writing my Diaryland entry and whathaveyou... and then finally called Emily at 5pm. Apparently I am just as bad as I was before. Emily mentioned yesterday that she wanted to go out today and we would have dinner at our favorite restaurant, maybe around 5? But of course, who does the calling? Me. AT 5pm, when I haven't heard from her all day. Because, I guess, if I don't call, nothing will happen. Then, as usual, she tells me that she had a very large lunch and she probably won't eat anything, but we can grab something small when I come to meet her. So, no favorite restaurant. Then when I meet her, she doesn't want to go to the restaurant that I choose, because it's not fancy enough for her, I guess. But she wasn't that hungry?!

This is another of those things that happens again and again- and she doesn't even live here anymore! I used to tell M, that if Emily was my boyfriend, I would break up with her. She makes plans, but then changes them at the last minute. I have a very excited, expectant stomach, and when we make a plan to eat at a certain place, my tummy gets all excited and thinks about it and makes a plan, yes, even 24 hours in advance! And Emily has done that so many times- made dinner plans with me, but then eaten "a big lunch" or "just an hour ago" and ruined her appetite so she no longer wants to do it. I don't know about you, but when I make dinner plans with someone, I am conscious of that, like it is a promise, and I will "save room" by having a small meal or snack because I know we are going to dinner. Then what is the deal with the "big lunch" person veto-ing the hungry person's choice of restaurant?

Huh. Drives me a little bit nuts. Then of course we are at the restaurant and Emily does eat... she does that weird thing of cutting little pieces off the serving plate that I mentioned in one of my last entries.

I guess I am just upset with myself, that I feel I get all twisted around in my friendships (not to mention my relationships!). I told myself that I would let Emily meet me halfway, instead of chasing her to do things. I know that she treats a lot, but even when I try to pay she argues with me. Does that make it okay? And she didn't treat tonight. I paid for my own dinner. So do I just let people walk all over me? Honestly I still feel very weird and tired and hungover today (even though I didn't drink or anything) so I didn't have much fight in me, plus Emily is leaving tomorrow so what the hell.

Steffy met us in the restaurant, and she is all moved into her new place, but not unpacked. Moving is very stressful. I don't envy her a bit. Occasionally I think of moving, but I'm not sure where I would go. I'm not sure of what I should do with my life.

Emily said I looked better, and I said I didn't feel better. And Steffy said something later about wanting to buy me a dessert to cheer me up. But these things do not cheer me up. Perhaps, I am uncheerable. What to do? I am really stuck here people. I am a functioning, successful human being, I am taking care of myself, I am not TRYING to wallow or any of that, but I am really stuck. I don't know what the next step should be for me. More therapy? Different kinds of therapy? I was thinking that I should maybe go back to Kate, start my morning journaling again and also my daily meditations? Was I doing better before?

I called a friend, and he asked me how I was and I told him all that I am doing, and how I am waiting to feel better. He said that it just takes however long it takes, and that he still misses his first wife after 30 years or something crazy like that. Wow. That does not sound encouraging. Unless he was referring to how someday M will look back and think he made a mistake. My friend said his wife was a great lady, and he did just not have the maturity to appreciate her, and he let a great woman go. Hmm.

I've no idea what M thinks about me or about himself. I have been with guys that have not deserved my love, I know I have clung to men that treated me like crap. So much was good with M and I *think* he treated me well but now I don't trust my own judgment. I feel like I must really love him to still feel so shitty, or maybe is it all my messed up childhood feelings and I'm just projecting it onto him? I do not know.

Most likely, I am just filled with illusions. I was deluded to think that M could be ready for the kind of relationship I was ready for. It was just more waiting. There were many red flags I didn't see. Maybe I am fooling myself to ever think that I was as special to him as he was to me. Maybe I was just a diversion from his pain, his rebound girl. And now he is on his new adventure. Maybe he is not that special at all, and I just have a very bad habit of focusing my attention on people who do not deserve me.

I wish I knew. Maybe it will become clearer as time goes on. And no, thank you Chaos, I didn't call or go on MySp@c3 or anything like that. I resisted!

So what is my next step? I guess I'm just going to do my best to keep moving forward, whatever that looks like. Keep working, dragging myself to therapy, and whatever else. School. Delia's in July. And hopefully, by the end of the summer, maybe things will change. If they don't, I don't know what I will do.

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