vanishing entry, man-themes, and a flood in the desert [ 2008-05-06, 2:16 a.m. ]

Dear Diary,

I know I should be in bed... but...

I cleaned the dishes, the toilet and the bathroom sink, and washed some underwear. Hmm. Not much of an accomplishment, but still. Then I got this idea for an entry, sat down, and it just poured out of me.

It was a letter to myself, from ? (the Universe?) and it reminded me about what a great girlfriend I was to M- where he came from (an unfulfilling marriage with no sex and no communication), and what I gave him (lots of love, honesty, communication, acceptance, excitement, adventure, sex, blowjobs, massages, security, freedom, and fun), and reminded me that I am a unique, pretty integrated and healthy person and whatever he is doing now- pretending or partying or drinking or whatever- eventually he will, if he has not done it already, realize what a gift I have been in his life. And to most of all know, that I am amazing and fun and that I don't have anything to worry about and life would be okay.

And then, all my screens disappeared and so did my entry! Poo. But, it was good while it lasted. I tried to recreate it just now, but I didn't like how it came out. Maybe it really WAS a message from the Universe, and it was just for me (sorry, Diary). Maybe I'll be able to write it again when the mood hits me. Who knows.

Hmm.

I went to work, and I'm not sure if I was being hit on, but one of my clients asked if I'd like to get something to eat. I said sure but I made sure to bring my assistant with me. So it was an okay night. I don't know if I present myself as frigid to some people- hah- I think that's what Alphie thinks about me- but I'm really not. When I'm into someone, I'm kind of a sex maniac. But I don't just shine it on someone because they pay a little attention to me. I'm very picky with my sexual energy.

Anyway it took me forever to get home because there was some kind of nighttime construction, and detours, and slow traffic and oh what a pain in the ass!

So I wish you could have seen my beautiful entry, and I wish I could read it every day so I could remind myself of those important points (yes, I may have to recreate it when I have more energy!). But. Whatever.

The other day I was watching Six Feet Under. I am on the third season and I noticed a little theme budding in this season. First of all Nate marries Lisa, whom he didn't love at all but accidently got her pregnant. He has all this craziness around it including turning out like his dad- starting to smoke, and giving up himself (selling his motorcycle- I would never make a man sell his motorcycle!) and just longing for some kind of freedom for himself. And then there is Rico, who married his wife right out of high school and he starts messing around on her.

Why am I telling you this, you ask (since I never really talk about movies or TV). It was interesting to me because it reminded me of how "men live lives of quiet desperation". They can so easily feel trapped. They want to do the right thing, because it is the RIGHT thing, but then they suffer in it, and they just want to get away. They start to keep secrets, and cheat and lie. They pull away from their wives and turn into something else.

I told myself, that's what would have happened, most likely, if M and I stayed together. Because only a man who is his own man, who has lived his life and feels satisfied that he has experienced enough, is ready to commit to a woman with his whole heart. He won't, can't do it unless the choice really comes from a place of freedom. M is like Rico, who married so young- and he would eventually be like Nate- going out to smoke and look at the sky and wish he was somewhere else.

It is not worth it, not for me, to be in a relationship with anyone like that. No matter how much I love a man, it is not worth it to be with someone who is looking off at the horizon wondering what is over there. That would rip me to shreds, and I will not settle for it. The man I am with needs to be crazy about me. Crazy, I say! Mad about me.

When I was musing about how M could have left me (see how wonderful I am, above), my friend David said, "M was like the cracked, dry desert floor that had not seen rain in many years. You are like a flood of love and life. Have you ever seen the desert when it's so dry but then it rains too hard? The water comes so fast that the ground can't absorb it, it just washes away. It needs to fall softly, in little drops, so it can be absorbed."

In other words, I am big, luscious energy and I guess poor cracked, dry M just didn't have the capacity to absorb me.

Hmm. Thanks David.

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