Dear Diary,

Aren't you tired of all these boring, sad entries? I am. Let's write something new, shall we. Yes.

I went to the gym today, and of course it is stomach day. I'm sure my abs will be sore tomorrow. I didn't want to go and I was kind of in a funk the whole class, but I'm sure when I have a gorgeous flat stomach I will be happy about it! The scale at the gym (I don't have one at home) says I lost a pound, but I was getting my period last week so you have to account for hormones and etc.

After stomach class I got on the elliptical trainer for 40 minutes. GymMan got on the one next to mine. He is going on vacation starting next week, but he said when he gets back we should "do something." What, like play golf? I just kind of blew it off but it freaked me out. What are we going to do? He's married. Is he hitting on me? Then I was worried he would follow me into the elevator, and I might have to slap him in the face and that would be the end of my free gym membership. Dang.

But that didn't happen. I jetted out of there and went to therapy, where I talked about safety. Therapist is all about trust and blah-bedee-blah but lately I just realize I don't trust anyone! Hah!

I actually remember the day I decided to trust M- we were making love on his couch and I felt like I was so close to a gushing orgasm but too afraid to have it.... (you might think this next part is weird, but...) so I asked M to just pause for a moment and I went inside myself and I said, Universe, I really want to trust this man, please help me. And I sensed the color orange (?) and these waves peeling off me like all this armor I'd had on, and I realized in that moment how much I'd been hurt in my relationship with Alphie and how I didn't want to get hurt again, but it all peeled off and I cried a little and then M and I resumed again and hello, gushing orgasm! Whee! And I guess I trusted him more than any person that I know....

But other than that I don't trust much of anyone, read a few entries back and you will recall me writing about how I always feel I have to defend myself- one of the reasons I like Diaryland so much is if nobody likes what I say, they can stop reading at any time, and they don't have to say much about it either. Yay.

So, back to therapist and trusting and then I ended up telling her about three traumatic things in my life that just kind of blew her mind. To me they are old stories, traumatic but you know, old news to me. Hah. Now when I think about it to tell someone all of them in one hour is kind of intense. One instance of childhood abuse, one instance of rape and my surgery... and who knew, I even cried with that one, I didn't know there was any tears left about it. Of course I was puffy upon leaving but now after coming home I actually feel better. Weird!

And I've decided to just do nothing with regard to M. There is a way where I wonder- we talked about giving each other our stuff back but I canceled the meeting and we have not done it... I don't want to initiate any conversation with him so I guess he can just keep my stuff and I'll keep his until, whenever. There is a part of me that expects a call about this particular issue, like eventually he's going to want all my crap out of his house (clothing, books, beauty products, shoes, and other things), but, whatever, he can make the first move. I think I will just wait until October to see how I feel about it. He left here October 29th last year, and on this day I am content to think that I will just wait until Oct 29 of 2008 to figure out how to get my stuff back or how I feel anything. As long as I don't have those urges to throw myself into traffic before then. But now, I am feeling okay.

I was supposed to go dancing with B, but more than anything I am tired of running around today and of course making myself puffy with tears. What I really should do is try to get more organized for work and the training this weekend, clean up the house a bit, and maybe just rest. I'm going to call B and suggest he come by for dinner afterward, and we can connect then. But I am pooped and I have so much to do. I bought some flower seeds and I am going to plant those. I am not as enthusiastic as last year, but I think it's good for me to have projects and something that will grow and progress and remind me that life goes on. Something beautiful.

Apparently I am beautiful today too? Or at least very cute. Several men on the street just saying hello to me. I have noticed I have been getting a lot of attention lately, which is weird because I am not a very happy person lately. I don't think it's my figure so much, but maybe as I peel away these layers of sadness/anger/whatever else, I am getting healthier and just emitting a lighter glow. Everybody that I run into tells me I look great, amazing, sexy, etc. Really. Not normal compliments at all. They compliment how nice my skin looks (no white sugar for 6 months helps my complexion, I guess!) and just how beautiful I am. (?!) Weird, I do not feel beautiful, but maybe this is an invitation to start! It's pretty ironic because I will wallow at home all day in pitiful despair and then dab some makeup on, throw on clothes and get all these compliments!

That all feels weird and conceited to write, but it is a part of myself I so rarely embrace (especially as of late) so, it's an experiment in loving myself.

Thanks Diary, for being such a safe place for me to express myself.

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