Dear Diary,

A busy day, and I was so tired. Stayed up too late, so I didn't go to the gym. But, I did go get my haircut at the fancy salon!

I realized a lot of things about myself today. I left the house in a nice outfit. Again I was getting lots of attention today. But it doesn't feel real to me. I feel like an imposter. I feel like I'm not pretty, and everyone can see underneath that I am faking it.

The salon was really fancy. I've never been to anyplace like that. They had a place to check your coat, and a "dressing room" to put on a robe. Everyone there seemed like they had a lot of money, and spent a lot of time on being beautiful. I felt really out of place with my old handbag and my beat-up cell phone. Then finally I decided that life is too short to worry about things like this.

My ex-colleague (now a hairdresser) totally went for it. I told her she could do whatever she wanted. She did my hair in this totally rock-star way, and I'm not used to it at all. I still don't feel like it's me.... more of the imposter thing! She told me to give it a week and I would get accustomed to it.

What is up with this thing about me not liking myself??? I guess this is part of my journey of self-love. Now I actually have to start liking the way I look.

While she was cutting my hair, she asked about M. Uh. This is the really bad part. I know so many people spread all over the place, and most people don't know that we've broken up. So now is the time when I have to tell the story again and again. I don't give too many details, and try to frame it as positively as possible.

Hmm. I went to work, and then to Oscar's birthday party. I was feeling pretty good with my new hair and pretty outfit, but for some reason with that crowd I suddenly started feeling uncomfortable. I'm not sure why. I was very tired, and maybe I become more transparent when I'm tired. Oscar kept asking what was wrong with me. (And I had to tell another person that I was no longer with M).

And then I had to go to work again... which was great. I think I should work more, not less. Part of me just wants to take a big vacation, but I actually seem to benefit from working more and more.

Now, truly exhausted... and my feet hurt because I decided I was ready to wear my new shoes all day... they are great and I have been wearing them for short stretches around the house... but it obviously wasn't time to wear them all day! Now I have raw marks. I refuse to be one of those women who rubs her feet raw and then has to wear bandaids with her beautiful shoes. Gah!

And somehow I had this insight where what if you really got what you asked for... and you overrode the decisions of the Universe... like we hope and pray that we can get our way, get what we want... but what if we did and it still did not work out for us... I could beg and pray for M to come back, but what if that resulted in an unhappy marriage? Just because he comes back does not automatically fix everything.... I think I grew up with the erroneous belief that if I loved someone enough, if I could just do it right, it would be fixed. But it somehow suddenly clicked for me, and I realized, it doesn't fix everything. When Frank left I begged and pleaded to have him back... but where would I be now if he had come back? Still waiting for him to want to take the next step with me? Frustrated with him always keeping his distance?

It may seem like a simple concept but it is a huge step for me to start to think like this. Maybe, maybe, the unraveling has begun, and I am starting to truly let go... when I think like this it makes it easier.

Love,
Duck

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