unrealistic expectations get you... disappointment [ 2008-05-10, 5:14 p.m. ]

Dear Diary,

Been a couple days since I've updated... I don't know where to start. Nothing exciting, but lots of little details.

For whatever reason on Thursday I could NOT wake up. I was having such a hard time. I managed to get myself together and off to my training. The weird thing was that Stacey forgot when the parking garage near her work closed, and so she missed the time to pick up her car, so she couldn't come and get me. So she called my friend Lee to come and pick me up. Nothing like feeling like a real pain in the ass for all my friends.

The training went pretty well. Lots of questions from me as usual. Grace was there but she didn't even stay half a day. Later I went to Russell's house and his theory was that she went to meet Alphie at a conference. Apparently Alphie makes lots of money these days, but Grace went so far into debt taking care of them that most likely all the money is just going to pay that off.

I guess I made the worst mistake possible, which is to have unrealistic expectations about Russell. First of all I supposed that we would go out to dinner, because I asked him if he wanted to have dinner with me when I returned from the training. He was rather pensive about that whole thing and said he doesn't eat after 6pm. I was kind of exasperated because I see him every couple of months and couldn't understand why he wouldn't make an exception. He said okay, and when I got there we ended up just eating something from the freezer. I thought it would be like last time, intimate and gentle in its own way, but it wasn't. Russell had a slight cold and didn't feel like doing anything fun. He just wanted to watch a (stupid) movie and go to bed. We only watched about a half hour of the film and then went to sleep. There was no snuggling or anything like that. On top of that, he had invited his whole family for breakfast early this morning so there really wasn't any time to hang out.

So I guess that's what I get for expecting anything from anybody. What a mistake! Somehow on the drive over from the training I had worked myself into a tizzy. I have been over and over again this situation with M and feeling like shit. I was just starting to get more and more agitated over the Russell thing (starting with the conversation about him not wanting to wait to have dinner with me) on the drive from the training to Russell's house. So I just started talking to myself, and once again explaining to myself that M is still the same person that left me back in October, minus the work of a few months. It is highly unlikely that I am/was the problem for him, and that a couple months of therapy, with less support than I have in my life, are going to completely transform him as a person. (For whatever reason, it just makes me feel better to know this).

And also, that even if he has found someone else, no one's answer lies in another person. I have never found the answers to my life in another person, why would I think it would be that way for anyone else? More and more I am realizing that it is necessary for every human being to be whole and complete within themselves in order to have a happy life. It is never a matter of just plugging another person into the equation and expecting that will make everything okay. It just doesn't work! I was aware I had some fears and stuff going on for me when I got together with M. I guess I thought that I had done enough work, that I was over that now, that I had gone deep enough. But soon after the threat of him leaving me, all my terror and fear about abandonment has come up and make me look at all those things I've been hiding from myself.

There is a saying that goes, "An unrealistic expectation is a premeditated resentment." This is why I had to cancel the meeting with M. I kept hearing him say again and again that he wanted me in his life, but I was ignoring the fact that he kept pushing me away. When I looked at that, I realized that the expectation of being in his life was unrealistic. If I believed this, I would sooner or later resent him for not being able to keep his promise.

I was unrealistic in my expectation of Alphie to change and treat me more like the human being deserving of love that I am. He doesn't really treat anyone that way- if I had stopped and taken the time to look, I would have noticed. He only contacts people when he needs something from them- he thinks of himself and his image first and foremost. How unrealistic was it to assume that someday he would treat me any differently?

And, perhaps it was unrealistic to assume that Russell would treat me a certain way this weekend. We are not dating and don't have any connections like that. Russell does not pay attention to certain things, like, he will go and get himself a glass of water, but not even offer me one, even though I am a guest in his house. It is just not in his nature.

I guess overall it is best not to expect too much, from anyone, but to stay closely connected to oneself and the desires of what I wish to accomplish and provide for myself. And then everything else can just be a gift and I can enjoy it and be grateful.

I knew I didn't want to resent M. And to do this I had to realize his limitations and not expect him to be something he is not. He did not have the lifetime of experience I have had nor the emotional growth. So, he just cannot be where I am at in terms of relationship. But I can be grateful that I met a man courageous enough to try with me, who was as honest as he could be in the time we were together.

I am still learning so much about myself and there are places I want to go- I want to heal this "lost child" -sadness and grief and fear of being left- once and for all this year. Period. I am so tired of feeling like I could collapse all the time because a relationship doesn't work out, or because I take someone else's reactions to me as a slight or as an abandonment. I realize it is all just a shadow of this energy that has haunted me for so long. I just want to be a stronger woman, one that really likes herself, and can even believe that she is pretty. THAT would be huge for me.

And the makeover thing... I asked Steffy to go with me to the makeup store so I can invest in some new, quality makeup. I think I am very good at applying my own makeup, I know the colors and the way to wear it that looks good on me, but I need better products. Stuff that won't smudge and run in hot weather. Also I am open to getting some kind of makeover and seeing if there is a technique that would make me look even better.

I'm still getting used to my new hair. I've gotten several compliments on it. Of course, men hardly notice until I point it out and say something like, "Do you like my new haircut?", but women notice right away.

I will probably have to get new clothes, because a lot of my clothes aren't fitting well. I put on one of my favorite tight-fitting shirts, and it is no longer tight fitting anymore! It actually feels rather baggy in the stomach area, in a weird way. I have so many stretchy clothes that I guess I stretched out over time as I got chubbier and chubbier... but now I have lost a lot of the chub. My clothes are not snapping back!

I'll probably write more later, but for now, I am so so tired. Uh.

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