Dear Diary,

Last night I was so good... I went to bed early. But I only slept for an hour, hour and a half before some dream woke me up. So irritating- because I had this feeling it was M.

He would always say that he could feel me thinking about him and that we had this psychic connection. Well last night I felt like HE was invading my space and waking me up. It pissed me off.

Especially since I couldn't fall back asleep afterward. So I ended up watching a movie, and going to bed when the birds were starting to sing. I really hate that!

But at least I have gotten some work done today. Sent out a notice about something that I've just been procrastinating about. I have another one to do and then I'll really be much more organized...

If anything, it seems like all my energy is going into my business and at least that will improve. Don't get me wrong- I wasn't ignoring my business while I was with M, or anything much, for that matter. I got a little pissed with Keith because he was trying to suggest that I was ignoring my friends and everything while I was dating M. Keith is one of those people that easily gets his facts confused and then tends to exaggerate and make up a story around it. The truth is that I called Keith a lot while M and I were dating and he came to visit me once and M and I actually went to visit him once. AFTER M left I stopped calling everybody- that's where Keith got confused. I hate it when people can't keep their facts straight. And maybe there are ways I lost myself in that relationship, but it was more just about the fears of being left again than neglecting my friends or work. Instead I just become concerned about making someone love me.

I don't know if I will ever get to the place where I am totally comfortable with myself and I have a partner where I can feel totally relaxed and confident in being loved. Because that's where it starts, after all... but I don't think I've ever felt that way in a relationship. Granted in the first few moments there is a lot of confidence and trust because I feel safe, but then I am waiting for something else to happen, something that proves there is a deeper commitment coming my way and that's when I start to get worried and doubt myself.

I can feel where I am now, see where I'd like to be, but I don't know how to get there. I guess it is not the kind of thing where you can plan a route. I just keep asking for help and doing what I can here.

[previous] [next]