Dear Diary,

Well another exciting day. I so wanted to stay home, it was raining. The library closes early on Fridays though and there were some things I wanted to get before it was too late. (Yes, I am a nerd- I thought we established that?).

Just like yesterday, I debated heavily about leaving. I waste time until it is actually at the point when I should have left the house already! What is it with me? It's like my apartment turns into a black hole and it's sucking me in, too hard for me to escape. I was actually telling myself it was too late, and I wouldn't be able to make the library- to just forget everything and stay home. Then I would argue with myself and say what was I going to do if I stayed here? Plus I had promised Red that we would meet.

Finally I just decided to bite the bullet and get out of the house no matter how much I resist and how shitty I feel. I made it to the library just in time to return some things and pick up others. Then I went to buy some shoes- the shoes I saw the other day and was determined to get- they didn't have them in my size in the original store where I tried them on, so I tracked down another branch that had them. They weren't on sale, but I really like them just the same. I remember not purchasing an adorable pair of shoes last summer and I still rue the day, because I don't have very flattering footwear. I am not a girl with a lot of shoes.

Then I still had a lot of time before Red would be done with work, so I went to buy my favorite perfume, only to discover they discontinued it. Oh Diary, I can't even tell you how upset I am with THAT. My signature scent, and it's just.... gone!! Dammit. I guess whenever I like something, I should buy it in bulk. The same thing happened with my favorite lipstick several years ago, and I STILL haven't found a replacement, so now I just don't wear lipstick anymore!

After that, I wandered about in a fog and went into a department store to avoid the rain. I tried on a bunch of bathing suits, which usually makes me happy. Every year I get a new bikini and then Delia and I have our vacation. It is usually one of the high points of the beginning of my summer. But this time I found no joy in it. I tried on several suits and there was one cute one, kind of campy, that fit the best... but I couldn't even gauge how much I liked it, so I didn't buy it. Instead I bought two shirts. One's kind of funky and I can wear it to work, and the other is a tank sort of thing that is almost like a corset- very slimming lines and fits close to the body. I like it a lot because it hugs my curves, and a lot of my other clothes have gotten very loose.

This is a LOT of shopping for me, Diary, and I was beginning to freak myself out. So I finally went to Red's office and read my book in the lobby until he was finished. It was a bit chilly and rainy outside and I was afraid to busy myself in any more stores!

We went out to eat and it was good to hang out. Red said my hair looks great.

I asked him if he thought M was happy right now, and he said he didn't think so. He asked me what I thought, and I told him that when I felt very rational, I guessed that M is not happy. But when I am irrational, I feel like he is having the time of his life and I am the one with all the emotional difficulty. Red's theory is that M might be having "ego fun"- drinking, partying, doing things that don't require any responsibility or connection to his feelings that just make him feel free. But he said, "He'll probably outgrow that soon enough."

I know, I shouldn't be focusing on him at all, but it makes me feel better to hear it from another guy's point of view. If anything, I know I have been very dedicated to getting better- not just looking like I'm getting better, but really getting better inside. It takes some time, but the effects will be genuine and long-lasting. I think what has happened to me in the past is that I just jumped into another relationship and thought I could plug up the loneliness hole with someone else. That doesn't seem to work. So this time I am determined to patch that up by myself.... whatever happens next... whether I meet someone new or I cross paths with M again... I am going to be much, much healthier. And look good too!

After dinner Red and I went to get dessert at a great place we love. The desserts are even sugar free! But expensive. I know Red is worried about money right now, so I treated him. The guy working at the counter was ultra-cute and I was flirting with him a little bit. I told Red I thought he was cute and would be fun to play with- I think he was quite a bit younger than me- and Red said I should go for it. But I felt too embarrassed to give him my card. Fear of rejection. What to say? Weird. Hmm. Chickened out. I can always go back- wonder if he would remember me? I fear now that I have a bad "picker" and I'll choose another guy who's so afraid of me that he'll run away too! Can you blame me?

I'm at home now, and realize I have done more shopping in one week than I usually do in months. I am the owner of:

one new dress
two pairs of earrings
two pairs of shoes
two new shirts

Hello?! Where did I get the money for this?! I've just been spending my cash, at least, and didn't charge... but still, I must get a bit more sensible here. Enough with the spending.

Although my new shoes are fabulous. They have a 1940s feel to them which I just love. They are not as red as I remembered them being... they are more of a wine color-- but I love them just the same. They go great with a black dress and a wine-colored dress that I have. I just tried on a few outfits with my new shoes and the term "revenge wardrobe" comes to mind... yes, I know I am not particularly angry at M as a PERSON, but I am pissed at the whole principle of being rejected and ignored. So, when the tough get rejected, the tough get makeovers. New hair, clothes, shoes. Soon- new makeup. To be announced. But I am going to be looking good.

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