#2
There is a way we get attached to things needing to be our way... my way or the highway... it has to look like this, or I don't want it!
In this way we try to control everything, our environment, other people and our relationships with them. But it is never possible to control another person.
The hardest thing is letting go of this control, embracing the possibility that there is something coming to you that may be better than you ever expected... to trust in a wisdom that is beyond yourself and yet operating in your life.
For me, my control is around abandonment. I have tried so hard in my life to keep men from leaving me- and yet they always do. I guess, as they say in 12 step programs, I am powerless over other people's actions. I am powerless over determining if someone can love me. This is huge for me. Because somewhere along the lines, I must have picked up the idea that through my actions and behavior, I could make someone love me or not love me. And realistically, that's not what love is about.
So I am always looking for what's not loveable about me, attempting to control it, squash it, hide it, whatever needs to be done. I am never very successful. It seems to fester and just ooze out another way.
So what I do, I must do for myself. Always and everytime, to first and foremost serve myself and my own true wishes and desires. This is like foreign territory for me, like walking on the moon or some strange landscape. I am not used to it.
I say I want M back- but do I? How much do I really know him? I thought I did, but he didn't even know himself. And I'm sure that we are both very different people now. I must be different, with all the work I have been doing... right? If we met again, it would be like starting all over again. So much time, and therapy, and growing, has occurred since we last were together.
So it again brings the question, what am I looking for him to give me that I really must give myself? First of all, love and value. A contentment within. Waiting for someone to give me inner security will never work. It makes everything too shaky.
I am powerless to determine how, or if, others will love me. But I do have the power to determine if I will love myself.
So I guess I should get on it.
Love,
Duck
[previous] [next]
