Dear Diary,

Well today I learned a bit about being the black hole myself.

Ava wrote me an email last night asking if I wanted to get together today. But I slept in so late that I missed any chance of brunch. I returned all my calls and basically told three people on phone messages that I was having a hard time, kind of depressed- apologized for being lame on the calls and asked people to call me back.

The only person that actually called me back was Amber. That's one thing I can say about someone who tends toward depression- they understand it and are not afraid of it. Ava never called back, but wrote me an email instead. Kind of one line saying sorry she missed me but maybe sometime this week we could get together. I've done that before. When I don't want to deal with someone's life I just write them an email instead of calling them back. Kind of a blow off.

So, I feel a little weird. Like I was vulnerable and truthful and asking for some support, and I am being avoided. Inez didn't call back at all and seems like Ava wants to avoid it.

So I take back all the shit I said about Amber. Who am I to judge?

I took a shower and left the house even though I felt like I had nowhere to go. I got dressed and put on makeup, the whole bit. On the bus I saw Red's friend Albert. He asked me if I had a cold and I said I was just tired. I thought I looked pretty good when I left the house, but he told me I looked tired and I should go home and get some sleep. So much for a vote of confidence. First I went to get my eyebrows done, then stopped to visit Simon and Jim in their restaurant. Simon immediately asked me what was wrong and I said nothing, I was fine. He insisted I looked like I just got out of the hospital. Jesus, what is it with these guys? Way to make a girl feel good.

And I swear Diary I really thought I was looking okay! But apparently there is something about me that doesn't look right. Simon asked me how M was and I just told him I was taking a break from M right now. And then immediately he started flirting and touching me in a way that was making me uncomfortable. I told him to knock it off but he just kept being annoying. I don't think I'll be visiting him again anytime soon.

After dinner I really didn't know what to do so I went to the movies. I know I watch too many DVDs at home and maybe going to the movies is sort of the same thing, I'm not sure. But I figured I was at least out of the house so that counts for something. After the first film I just wandered into the neighboring theater and watched another movie. Called Amber on the way home, truthfully told her how I feel, and she was supportive and said, "You've been here before, and you know you're moving through something," I know she is right. I don't quite remember it ever feeling this way, so terrible, so bad. But. It can't be like this forever, right?

I've been working on bringing my thoughts and energy back to myself. It's kind of like a meditation, a practice. And it's difficult. I've never been very good at it. But I guess it's about time I got good at it. Or else I'll never be able to have a fulfilling relationship that really includes me and my needs in it.

That's all I know for now.

Love,
Duck

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