Dear Diary,

Once again fell asleep last night but was awakened soon after by a jolting dream. Then I had a really had a hard time falling asleep... I was awake for an hour or two before falling asleep (probably at dawn).

Now of course I've been in bed almost all day, and I feel like crap. I have to work tonight. Oh well. I'll make it count.

For the last few days I have been fighting the urge to call M. I don't know why I want to or what I expect to happen. It would probably be a very unsatisfying conversation. One of those times when he would just be pretending he feels really good and is happy and that would just make me more miserable because we wouldn't talk about anything real. Or he would tell me about all the fun he is having and I'll feel lousy about that too.

So what am I searching for? I want to talk to him because really I want to feel loved and valued. So I guess I feel that I want him to give that to me. I need to give that to myself, but I don't have much practice at it. So, it's a good time to start.

How can I show myself that I am loved and valued? First off I just need to have compassion for myself.

Dear Duck,

You have had a very rough few months. I know it's been really challenging. All of your abandonment fears from childhood have been awakened in this very short time. But we want you to know that this was the perfect time for this to happen- you can handle it now, when you weren't really ready before. But now you are ready and you are strong enough. And we are helping you.

At times it seems very dark but this is the time when you are doing your deepest work, dredging from the bottom and healing what needs to be healed.

It doesn't matter if anyone else understands it because this is your journey alone. They have their own journeys to attend to.

So we invite you to be kind to yourself and just start out with the simple act of loving yourself. Know that you are beautiful inside and out. And if you didn't do another single thing from this moment on, it would still be so. It is not about what you do- it is about who you are.

You are a bright spark in the Universe and the more you remember and recognize this, the quicker the pain and darkness will be released and the sooner you will find your external world reflecting that back to you.

So do not worry, little Duckling, you are on the right path, and things are happening at deep and subtle levels even when you do not see them. If you come into stillness and just love yourself this way, you will feel the healing happening.

Till next time,
The Universe

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