Dear Diary,

Interesting and challenging. I went to bed at about 10:30pm last night. It wasn't a great sleep- I woke up several times but willed myself to keep my eyes closed and fall back to sleep again and again. I had a most disturbing dream in the early morning.

M was leaving me- we were in my parents' house, my childhood bedroom, and he was filling boxes and boxes with his stuff. We talked about where he would sleep that night, and he said he would sleep in one of the other bedrooms at the far end of the house. As he was packing in the hallway, I lay on my bed and sobbed, uncontrollably. He came in and said he would clear the stuff out of my bedroom. I went to get sheets and brush my teeth. As I was brushing my teeth in the dream (ever look at yourself in a mirror in your dream? weird) I realized in my mind that M was always trying to do the nice thing, to be the nice guy- but he was doing it out of obligation, it might not always be what he WANTED to do- therefore it wasn't authentic and it wasn't real. Therefore he wasn't real with me. When I came back into the room, M was packing in there and I noticed he had written something on the closet door. I glanced at it and read the beginning, which said, "You will be okay," - there was more but I looked away because I didn't want him to see me reading it. I wanted to wait until I was alone to read the whole thing. It seemed M knew how much pain I was in, and he was going nonetheless. It felt even more painful to have the one leaving me write that I would be okay. Then, I woke up.

Huh. I never did get to read the rest of that closet door. Dammit! I always do that- think I have more time in a dream than I do... anyway, I was really disturbed when I woke up, the whole thing, all the emotions around it, were very unsettling. It kind of screwed me up for the whole day, which sucks. Yesterday I felt pretty centered and okay with everything, and then a dream can throw me off? Do you think it means that there are still unresolved emotional issues... most likely. The fact that the main stage was my childhood bedroom was pretty interesting. Therapist said that she felt the mourning I have been doing for M is actually a mourning for the loss of self.... to think about it... how much I gave up from the time I was a little kid... how much I have compromised myself in EVERY relationship- not just romantic relationships but friendships and family too. Maybe this is just the grieving period and I will eventually move out of it. I hope.

I fell back asleep and didn't get up till late morning. B came over about 20 minutes later. He was early, which he never is. My house is a shambles, but I am depressed beyond embarrassment- how sad is that? He fixed my printer and then we watched a movie. He left a while ago and I ran to the store, now I have a couple movies to watch and books to read, some work to do...

I'd like to think that the dream represents any last letting go that has to occur so I can just get my life back and be in the present moment. Jesus. I actually believe that even if M is not the one for me, someone else will at least show up if I make a space for him and I'm ready. But if I keep being crazy like this, that will never happen. My big fear was I'll get someone I don't like- as if the Universe will send the person to me and say, "Here you go, here's your great love," and I will be disappointed and still be in love with M. But logically how could it work that way? Either I fall in love with someone or I don't. If I don't, then they're not my great love. I am not controlled by anything. The chemistry will work out- that's what always happens. Each new guy makes the last look less and less appealing- it's part of the personal growth process. I never wanted to break up with Frank, but at this point I would never even think about going back to him. Now, in hindsight, and with all the personal growth work I have done, I can see what wasn't working- for both of us- and I know I wouldn't accept him the same way he always was. He was afraid to be alive, critical of me, and didn't really believe in me as a person. Who needs that?!

Maybe someday a year or more from now I will feel that way about M. Cute guy, but just can't go there with him. Even Alphie- gorgeous, accomplished Alphie who supposedly makes so much money now... whatever, he's still an emotional incompetent. You couldn't pay me to be with him. It's not the way I work. As I heal each aspect of myself, it won't matter what's on the surface- I will only be truly happy with someone who can meet me where I'm at.

And considering how shitty everything has been feeling... how much I've been digging out and examining and healing... soon enough I should be in a very good place.

I'm glad Inez said what she did about noticing a change in me. It is inspiring.

This cleanse is going to be a big deal to me. I timed it with the waning of the moon. As I detox, I'm letting go... and I intend to make an intention of letting go of something every day. Specifically too letting go of M. And letting go of my childhood fears. I believe there is a lot of power in intention. And I really want to shift. Whatever part of me has been in love with this constant suffering, that part has to die, to be transformed, like a pheonix rising from the ashes- for me to continue to live, it has to change. From what I have been reading and learning about meditation, the mind causes all suffering. Our attachment to how things should be and our unwillingness to accept what is. Well there seems to be a very big attachment in my brain to this dynamic of loss, and I would like to let it go. For good.

I would like to be at peace with myself, and those around me. I realize that the craziness and discomfort I feel around the issue of M is all in my mind, my own discomfort with myself.

So... I'm going to do this fast, these rituals, whatever I can on my end... and plead for the Universe to help me, because what else can I do? No more nightmares... asleep or awake.

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