ashes don't heave [ 2008-05-24, 9:00 p.m. ]

Well la-di-dah I took a shower. (Finally). And also went for a walk. After I tore my absolutely favorite (and only, actually, since I got my digital camera) picture of M and I in half and burned his half.

It was part of my letting go ritual, and Serena told me about it. I burned it all up and said I wanted to let him go even though I have so much resistance about it. (Really, I can't live like this anymore.) I cried too, of course.

Then I took the ashes and brought them with me on my walk to park. There's a ravine and a stream there, and I wanted to throw the ashes in the stream.

First of all I miscalculated what shoes to wear and I was definitely wearing the wrong ones. The closer I got to the stream, the more slippery the rocks. And, my shoes were white. Oh crap, I said to myself, but then, are you committed to this or what? And yes, I am. I was just hoping I didn't slip and kill myself on a pointy rock because my house is such a mess. Anyway. I got as close as I could and figured I should just heave the ashes into the water, but I should know by now, having watched a lot of movies and television, that ashes don't heave. And another miscalculation, that of the wind, which was blowing in my direction and slightly to the left. So the ashes flew toward the slippery rocks.

I figured eventually the water will rise and just wash them off. I was lucky they didn't fly right in my face or in my hair, anyway. The point is that I have torn us asunder and released him to the Universe so will he PLEASE stop showing up in my dreams and my thoughts and everything else.

Then I came back and did the best I could to clean my shoes. I did it out in front of the building, and whatever fertilizer they are using in the front garden smells like a dead body. I can't stand it. Everytime I come home I am overwhelmed by the stench of nastiness. Ugh. I don't mind the smell of dirt and grass and even horse poop- don't get me wrong... but there's something about this dirt that's just... rotten. Maybe it has fish heads in it.

It was so nice to get cleaned up and go outside, I should do it more often. Really. I hope I am inspired from this point forward. Hopefully the sleep thing will start to shift back to something sensible and I will soon be able to enjoy the day.

As for M, I don't know what to say about that. I had a little moment which sounded like a cheesy movie, "I didn't get what I wanted, but I gained myself," and, really, that sounds lame, trite, and disappointing to me. Then I really looked at that and was quite amazed. Winning myself, to me, is not considered a prize. Other people are more interesting to me. I am very uninteresting to myself. Isn't that weird? Shouldn't I be looking out for #1?

So that is the skill I am lacking. I just don't have a very good self-care or self-interest mechanism. I am trying to change it. But I also see that every man I have ever been with has been more interesting to me than myself. Hmm. And a lot of times those guys also found THEMSELVES more interesting than me. So who was interested in me? No one, that's who! Which creates some very weird vibes as eventually I feel like I'm starving for attention and it never works out.

So if I wanted to do it differently, just, for instance, to check it out, I should really get interested in myself. Although I don't feel very interesting at the moment. I'm rather dull as far as activities. I can't even figure out what I WANT to do...

But, hopefully I'll be inspired after this fast. Sometimes I feel kind of high, and calm. And other times I am just aware of feeling like I am starving, and I want to lick the butter and the olives in my refrigerator. But, 3 more days and I will be eating.

Oh yeah. And I found two potentially depressing things today. One, a gray hair. I could be very bummed about that, but I guess since the brown ones are still outnumbering the gray ones, I won't worry about it just yet. Also, a lump in my breast. I hardly ever check them but, well, was feeling around and noticed it. Although I'm not too worried about that either because they say they come and go... and I haven't had my period yet this month, and they always say you're supposed to check AFTER your period, so we'll see if it goes away. I did have one on the other breast once, but it went away very quickly. And that was that.

So now... I want to wind down for bedtime. I have a lot to do, when I think about it. Have to write another two papers. Joy.

Later,
Duck

[previous] [next]

Photobucket
S DUCKIE
archives ~ profile ~
~ email ~ gbook ~ notes ~
~ host ~ image ~ design ~