#2

Dear Delia,

I was thinking today of some things I wanted to talk to you about. But I think it's best that I write you a letter, just because whenever we talk things can really easily get messed up, for me.

See I'm a person who doesn't really think very quickly on her feet during a conversation. So sometimes people say things to me and I don't digest them right away... I have to take a while to figure out how I feel about things and what my answer is. Sometimes it takes me a really LONG time to figure out how I feel about something. Especially when I'm talking to somebody who has a really strong conviction that they are right. I find myself dwarfed by other people's feelings. Sometimes it's not till days or weeks later that I have some clarity.

Anyway, that's why I'm writing everything down because I have a feeling that if we started talking, I would lose my train of thought and not get to say what I wanted to say. You might be surprised at how I remember details, but it's because things that are said tend to "stick" in my brain for the longest time. Especially when they upset me.

Today I just found myself replaying our conversation of a couple months ago in my head. You seemed so angry with me about my decisions about M, I don't know, I guess because I was depressed? I can understand you not wanting for me to be depressed and wanting to protect me from anyone hurting me.

First of all, the thing with M is pretty difficult to explain to anyone. We had a very intense emotional relationship with a lot of honesty, respect, and good communication. I always knew, but maybe not to the fullest extent, that he wasn't quite healed from his divorce and other things. I take responsibility for knowing that and choosing to stay anyway, because the way I described it was very very real- this is somebody who cared about me and whom I cared about. Despite whatever struggles were there, there were also some really beautiful moments. We all get involved with imperfect people because we are imperfect. And, you can't always help who you fall in love with.

I thought it was strange that the last time I called your house, Bud and I talked a bit and he said something about me being taken advantage of, and not being treated very nicely. Which is weird because I never told him anything about what was going down between M and me, and what I told you was very little detail. But it seemed the two of you turned it into some kind of story about this person you had never met - and me, who, honestly, you don't know that well either.

Yes, we are sisters, but let's face it- we don't talk that much, and we don't know that much about each other's lives. I know the names of some of your friends (some I've met) and what you do for work and that you like tuna fish (still? I'm not even sure you still like tuna fish, actually), but on the whole, I don't really know what you do day to day, what you think deep inside or what you feel. Do you know who my best friend is? Do you know what I do day to day? Do you know what I think and how I feel? I bet not, and that's okay.

The difficult part of these situations (the conversation I mentioned above and the situation with Bud) is that I just don't feel like you two even TRY to know me. Or M, for that matter- before you start making all these assumptions- I don't know, that I make bad choices, or he's a terrible person, or something like that.

When I told you that I didn't want people's opinions and criticisms because I wanted to figure it out for myself, you told me it was your business to tell me your opinion because we are family and what hurts me hurts you.

This is one of those things that sunk in for me over time. At the time I heard that, I just felt flabbergasted. Now I see that statement as your choice of how to feel. I don't feel that way about you. I feel sympathy and sometimes empathy when you don't feel good, but I don't choose to take it on, and I don't expect you to be anything so I can feel good. I know it's no fun to watch a sister in pain, but still, it's just bad boundaries to claim that you can judge and criticize because it's affecting you. That's not fair to me. Because I don't do that to you. I don't feel like it's my right to criticize your life, and I don't think I ever have, at least not since I was a teenager. Maybe you have asked me some opinions about your last ex-husband, and I gave you my opinion then. When you make it about you, then it ceases to be about me. And then when does it ever get to be about me? This is bizarre when I think about it.

We talked about me being triggered- reacting to your tone of voice, and now I realized I was also triggered into feeling those feelings of not being seen or heard in that very moment- that I could never catch up to the landslide of your preconceptions and redefine myself. That's what it feels like. What we did not talk about was YOU being triggered- why did my decisions make you so angry? Why should my sadness affect you so deeply? Why are you so rocked by my life when you are hardly in it?

When you told me that I reminded you of Bud's sister, that really hurt my feelings. Because I know you don't really respect her, and I know that she is not quite right in the head. She acts like a petulant child. When I asked you if you were trying to say if I made bad decisions, you said no that wasn't it, and you were kind of frustrated at that point. But in that case I still don't understand the comparison, and find it very hurtful. I am not endangering the life of a child with my choices, like she is. I live by myself, which she doesn't- I am not on public aid or $50,000 in debt. So I don't understand. I am responsible for myself. Maybe what I do doesn't make sense to you- and I propose that 1) because you don't know the whole story or the actual people involved, see above, and 2) it's not what you would do, and 3) you have not taken the time to get to know my reasons and background for making the choices I make.

Not that it matters, but I really didn't know what I was doing. I was very unclear. And I decided to wait until I was clear, and do lots of therapy and try to help myself as much as possible in the meantime. I also chose to look at that situation as an opportunity to look at my own abandonment issues and try to fix my own life- because it did not escape me that this is a pattern I have dealt with over and over again.

And the other pattern I have noticed is I feel like there is no space for me in my relationships with most people. This is, incidentally, how I feel when we argue. I feel like there is no space for my thoughts or feelings. It's a pattern that started when Dad yelled at me not to cry and Mom started screaming that I was making her nervous whenever I was doing something she didn't like. Am I supposed to spend the rest of my life making it okay for everybody else?

I have kind of made peace with the Mom and Dad issue because, I guess, I feel like they will never get it. And we are as close as we can get, I suppose. Let's face it, they are not happy people, even today- Mom is depressed, with no boundaries, lets people take advantage of her, can't say no, gets nervous about everything, and swallows her anger at Dad until she's a pile of resentment. Dad is unfulfilled in marriage, a workaholic, angry, and desperately wants attention. Maybe that's all my judgment, but they can be that way if they want.

You and me, though, are sisters. You are the only sister I've got, really, since Sichelle won't talk to any of us. It's not easy to connect with our brothers...

Life doesn't last forever. I would like to be truly seen for who I am by at least some member of my family before I die. It might seem crazy and like too much to ask for... but, would you like to get to know me? To do so, you might need to set aside all your preconceived notions of who you think I am. You might need to look at why you get so angry or upset about what's going on in MY life, not yours. I would really like to get to know you. Maybe even travel together, like we used to talk about.

The fact is that I am not the same girl you grew up with. We have not lived in the same house in OVER TWENTY YEARS--- can you accept the fact that I am my own person, that I have changed?

Would you like to get to know me?

Love,
Your Sister,
D

*(Diary friends- do you think I should actually send my sister this letter? Is it gentle enough? How would you feel about getting it? If you care to leave me a note I would greatly appreciate it.)*

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