Hi Diary,
So, I broke my fast. I guess I'm done. Truthfully I was not feeling as "good" as I was last time I did it in October- meaning, I wasn't feeling like I was releasing that much. And, I was having crazy crazy protein cravings, which didn't happen last time. And my teeth felt weird... kind of sticky... and I was worrying that maybe I was going into a severe calcium deficiency and my teeth were decomposing because all I wanted to eat was cheese.
I called Red last night, after I did my third ritual this week (I will keep doing rituals even though I have resumed eating). We have not spoken in over a week. He has been through a lot this week including a family funeral and two celebrations... so spent 5 out of 7 days with family. I felt a little bad because I meant to call him after the funeral, but just blanked on it because I have been so wrapped up in my own despondency. Oops, bad friend. Anyway, we talked about his stuff for awhile, and then he asked about mine. I told him I was doing a fast, and working on letting go. Deeper into the conversation I just told him what a struggle it's been, and he said I have to get out of my mind... my mind is creating all these scenerios about what M is doing and how he feels and thinks about me, when actually to me this information is
?
Unknown.
He told me that his intuition said that now was not a good time for a fast, "because you're sad," and that I need to get out and be with people and move my body everyday.
Oh did I ever mention that Red is kind of psychic? I can't remember.
Anyway, he has told me this many times before and made the point that lying around in bed all day every day is basically being addicted to the pain and doesn't solve anything.... this is true. Plus when I thought about it, who would want me? I barely want myself when I am like this. It is true that I feel better when I go out and work, and I guess that's being around people... and I suppose I could make some plans with Evelina and Ava... and go out dancing with B, all of that.
Since my way doesn't seem to be working, I'll say okay and try Red's way. I was really wrestling with if I should quit my fast or not and decided to just eat some cheese, because as I said I have been so craving protein. Today I had apples and cheese. Cheese is not a well-supported food to eat once cleaning out your system but that is what I am craving. I might also need to go get some meat.
I could beat myself up but I did do 3 days of food deduction and 3 days of no solid food so that's more than most people do in their whole lives... haha. I think my skin looks pretty good and my face a little more angular, so I'm sure it had some effect. Maybe one of the reasons that this fast didn't feel right was because I wasn't really perfectly aligned in my intention- I mean I said I wanted to let go of a lot of grief and sadness... but also I wanted a result, to look a certain way- and maybe that was too much. I don't know. I feel okay about eating, and it will be easier to work tonight as a result.
I thought I would do laundry today because, well, I can't even remember the last time I did laundry. I took all my stuff to the laundromat and the place was PACKED. Ugh. I never go on weekends and guess I didn't consider that today is still a weekend! There was not one big machine left and not enough small ones to do everything I have- especially since I waited so long and have a huge load now. Plus I hate being there with so many people- obviously if you've been reading my diary for any amount of time you have come across one or five that depict just how much I despise the laundromat... So I just said fuck it and took everything back home. I'll go tomorrow or Wednesday. At least the weather is decent and I can break out the skirts which are all clean, and I can wear my new strappy shoes, no socks needed.
Also, GymMan is back on Thursday and I hope to start a regular exercise routine. This might help in a regular sleep pattern as well (we hope). Last night I tried to go to bed again at midnight but was up till 5am. No fair! I guess if I do go to bed at a decent hour I can no longer allow myself to sleep for 11 hours because it screws everything up. I am looking forward to the gym but I hope GymMan doesn't hit on me and start being all weird. I am already dreading the confrontation and if it becomes an issue I won't want to go anymore, which will suck because the gym is free. Also I need a ride from the airport and was considering asking Simon to pick me up, but I can't deal with him if he's going to start hitting on me either. I guess the big mistake I made in being honest with both these men is that I told them I no longer have a boyfriend. And now they think they have a free pass to be inappropriate. This leaves me with two choices: I can lie and say I got back with my boyfriend or that I have a new boyfriend- or, I can clearly state that this is unacceptable and as a consequence I will cut them off.
Knowing both of these guys... I think they will just laugh at me and keep on pushing themselves on me even if I tell them to stop. So then I will have to draw the line and stick to it. Simon should know better, since I cut him off for six months once almost three years ago... for that whole fiasco at his apartment (see 8/12/05 entry "believe it or not" sorry, I don't know how to do a link). But then again, when I saw him again he really didn't seem to get it. So I don't know. I know I shouldn't do anything at the expense of myself. I think I'll just avoid Simon for now on principle, and ask someone else to pick me up at the airport. And maybe just tell GymMan that I got back together with M and he can just deal with that. Maybe then the comments and everything will stop. We still haven't been alone together because I have been managing to sneak in and he doesn't have to meet me and bring me up in the elevator. If that happens again, I will have to say something because being harrassed is not a just payment for going to the gym.
My God when I see myself typing all this out I am just starting to get enraged, why should all of this be so difficult, why don't men listen to me when I say STOP and DON'T, do you think any MAN would go through this shit? No I suppose not. I suppose a guy would just pay to go to the gym closest to his house and cut off anybody he felt didn't respect him. Is it because I am a woman that I feel like I have to bargain and fight for everything I get, and weigh the balances of what I'm willing to give? It might just be me and who I am... and when I look at how that might be a reflection of my life it just makes me pissed and sad. I'm like a zebra on the Saranghetti everytime I get into an elevator with this person... and it should NEVER have to be that way! Never! Jesus.
Also, I am totally bummed about my seedlings in my flowerboxes. They were really starting to get going and a squirrel came and destroyed EVERYTHING. No place untouched. If I didn't know better I would think it was deliberately done by a gang of angry teenagers. I have never wanted to shoot anything so badly as I wanted to shoot that squirrel. Then I tried to tell myself that he is just being a squirrel, but the extent of the damage makes me believe that my neighborhood squirrel is really just an asshole and knows exactly what he is doing. Do you think that is possible? I mean he must have some idea that he is fucking up another mammal's careful constructed territory. Little fucker. I am ready to just say forget it because I'm not even sure if they are salvageable at this point. I've also thought of putting toothpicks sticking up from the dirt like staves to stab the little fucker. Do you think that would work? If I can't shoot him, I'd at least like to stab him.
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