the contents of my brain [ 2008-05-27, 3:03 a.m. ]

Dear Diary,

What does one do with utter sleeplessness? And why is this back- especially at this phase?

I struggled with massive insomnia for over 3 years. I believe it was a conglomeration of things that brought it on- stress from moving for the first time to live completely on my own (no roommates), quitting a job with an evil, manipulative vengeful boss, and then breaking up with a guy whom I thought was the love of my life... must have really done a trip on my liver, because I saw more sunrises than I care to remember. While most people talk about the sunrise as a beautiful thing, I have come to know it as the reminder of another restless night... seeing so many in a completely exhausted, utterly helpless state of despair.

No kidding.

When I met M, he was an insomniac too. We would spend hours on the phone talking. It was good company. Then, one day I woke up at 8:30am. And the next day and the next day. It made me tired and I would want to go to bed at 11, 12! And every day I would wake up at 8:30, without an alarm clock. I don't know why. My natural clock had just readjusted itself. One theory was that I had actually relaxed- being in love- and had recovered from all previous stresses. I remember once telling M at 1:30am, we were watching a movie- "Baby, I've got to go to bed," and he actually tucked me in and went back and watched the rest of the movie by himself. Sometimes it made him crazy, because I would wake up and he told me he could tell I was awake and he would just lie there with his eyes shut and think, "Please don't start talking. Just let me sleep a little longer." Kinda cute. M's schedule changed too, for school, and pretty soon we were almost like regular people, not vampire people.

When I went on my EVG I really got quite messed up- waking up super early in the morning- then it started to be 5:30 or 6. By that time we were separated too, so, I dunno. That was a little too crazy. And then it all evened out again. Normal. But now... what's going on? More stress? I don't like it.

Oh well.

I just realized that I spent a big chunk of the money I was going to use for rent... on groceries and going to Blockbuster. oops. Well it will work out. I'll juggle some of the checks I was going to deposit.

I wanted to get a movie, something new, just to treat myself. But honestly there is not much there that was enticing to me. I was actually more drawn to the older movies. But I have that rewards program so if I rent a movie between Monday and Wednesday, I can get the second one free. Still it all might be a waste, as I can get most things at the library. I have to wait for them, but as we all know by this point, I am good at waiting. I got the diving bell butterfly movie because it is supposed to be inspiring and Lord knows I need some inspiration, and I got a disc of Big Love, which I saw a preview for and it looked interesting. They have quite a racket going on at Blockbuster, I realize- they rent one disc at a time of any series, and there's only two episodes on a disc. So you have to pay rental over and over again- three to six times to see one season of a show! But when I get DVDs at the library, I get at least half the season if not the whole thing in one shot. For FREE. Hmm. Something to think about.

I really should budget better, so I guess no more Blockbuster.

But anyway. I wanted to see the show because I think it's the first series ever that takes on polygamy in what is supposed to be a positive light... just interesting to me because ever since I was involved with Alphie I have met a lot of people who are all about polyamory. Just so you know, I have never personally met a polyamorous person who's life is not riddled with drama. As a matter of fact, they all seem to love it and thrive on it. Just saying- there might be some really sane, grouned polyamorists out there, but I haven't met them.

We all know how much Alphie loves his drama and how Grace was constantly trying to pull me into more of it... wowee all I was thinking as I was watching BL was I would never be able to have my husband in my bed every 3rd or 4th evening... and the more wives they get, the less time you have him... and the whole point to be popping out babies all the time. Anyway, that's Mormon stuff, not necessarily polyamory. My experience with Grace and Alphie was that the communication was very bad, and Alphie thought that just having him in one's proximity was a gift in itself, so the poor boy never learned how to give cunnilingus nor even how to really make love well. I believe he was the worst lay of my life, actually. And, surprise people, but three ways can be really BORING. I bet no one ever expects that, but they can! Sorry. Anyway, Alphie- worst sex ever award.

Or maybe in a tie with my friend Nick, who I had sex with years and years ago but it felt so strange almost like he was my brother... it really wasn't working AT ALL and so we stopped and never had sex again and never talked about it either. We still hung out and had great times but NEVER talked about it... until one day SEVEN years after it happened and it came up and then we both said, "I thought I was good in bed until I slept with you... man that SUCKED!" and we laughed and laughed about it because now we were old enough where we could understand that it was just bad chemistry and nothing more... kind of funny. If I could at least have that kind of laugh with Alphie maybe it would break the ice between us, you know, make us both human and it would just be funny, because sometimes bad sex can just be funny (or not). But Alphie cannot just be human, he has to be superhuman, so probably no chance of that happening. Instead now he goes around telling everyone I'm frigid and I insist he's a bad lay, like fucking the tin man. What can you do.

Excuse me for continuing to bitch and moan about my ex-boyfriends but maybe I just need to get it out so I can sleep??

Speaking of Nick (above), he has been calling me and calling me for a few months now, not leaving a message but I keep seeing his number.... I have not picked up or called back because honestly I have just been too much in my SHIT and Nick is not the emotional type... he hangs out with a younger crowd, and right in the middle of me explaining my heartache and abandonment he will say something like, "Aw you need to talk to a girl" and pass the phone to some 20-something chick I have never met before and I'm like what? is going? on?

So finally I called him back and found out why he's been so desperate to reach me... the 21 yr old (that's even how he refers to her, like it's her name, or something) he kept insisting he was NOT dating, is now really really into someone else, but she and Nick are roommates, and he is very very sad. It is probably the most vulnerable he has ever been in any conversation with me, where he basically said, "I have a problem, I can't love anyone, I can't commit, and it sucks and I'll always be alone." Wow. Trust me, to hear Nick, a lifetime musician with that fuck-all rockstar mentality, say that... pretty amazing, pretty vulnerable. I told him I was sorry, and I know it sucks and I've got a broken heart too.

Then I might have made a big mistake, because jokingly I brought up how way back when we were in that 20ish age range, we told each other that if we didn't meet anyone by the time we were 40, we could get married and inseminate me with a turkey baster. Well this cheered Nick up incredibly but perhaps a little too much... he said fuck it, let's do it, our parents would be thrilled... then he mentioned something about making our exes jealous... but I am only conscious of feeling like there is no replacement for M...ugh. And then one of Miss 21's friends walked into the room and he told her, "I'm talking to my fiance," and he said to me, "Here, prove you're a girl," and handed the phone to the friend, who says, "Uh, like, hi?..."

See what I mean?

Now Nick has been calling me everyday since, but my voicemail is full so he can't leave a message and I don't pick up. I don't want to play the Pretend We're Getting Married Game, because it's not like My Best Friend's Wedding and that pact was real. I don't want to make M jealous, but maybe I should... but if he doesn't pay attention to me then how can he be jealous if he doesn't know what I am doing?

Anyway I like it when my voicemail gets all filled up because then people can't leave me anymore messages and then I don't have to call them back and answer any questions or anything. I just don't want to, I want some PEACE and to be left alone, my voicemail has been packed since Thursday when I stopped answering my phone. It is so damn lovely, and fills me with great joy not to feel like I have to answer to anyone or fulfill anyone else's need.

Hmm. Depressed much?

Used to be that the phone was my lifeline, M would call me twice a day and sometimes I would turn my phone off because I know he'd always leave a message if I wasn't there... he would leave the best messages. Then once we separated I started leaving my phone on 24/7, even if it was silenced I could at least see if he had called me... it was a constant dance with disappointment. Eventually I have come to know that he will not call me and now I have kind of lost all joy about the phone. I am terrible at getting back to people and personally I am surprised at my own success and how people put up with me. But. Technology. What to do?

Oh, yeah, the jealousy thing. It was interesting because I was reading this guy's diary today and he seemed like a very active man, describing all these women he was dating and having sex with. He seemed to be having this really strong connection with one woman and wrote about her all the time, but at the same time he was hooking up all over the place with a bunch of other women... several of them, including the first one I mentioned, talked about getting serious and being exclusive but he was so resistant to it and just kept writing how pressured he felt.

At first it was pushing all kinds of buttons for me just because of my own personal circumstances, but as the entries went on eventually pretty girl #1 met some other guy (because obviously they were not exclusive and she was dating too) and told the writer of said blog that she wanted to be with one person and she was choosing this new guy... and writer-guy went kind of ballistic. He was so upset that he couldn't have his cake and eat it too... he even dedicated an entry to the "other guy" about how he was not good enough for pretty girl #1 and how dare he move in on writer-guy's territory and mess up the good thing he had going. Haha. And we thought we had progressed so much further beyond Cro-Magnon.

Anyway, skip to the current entry of this writer-guy's blog, 5 years later, and guess who's married to pretty girl #1- yes, you guess it- writer-guy. He just couldn't let that other guy have her, but it wasn't until she was unavailable that he went crazy about her and realized she was the one he wanted to be with. No Shit. Hmm, I said to myself as I was reading this. Granted I didn't read 5 years worth of entries so I still have to catch up on the middle, but I get the gist of it and the gist of it is, all guys seem to want what they can't have, it's ridiculous but it's true. I have always been too easy to have and just too accomodating and loving and that's probably one of my biggest faults in relationship, because apparently guys don't think it's worth it unless they have to fight to have you.

And they call women drama queens...

So this makes me think I've just got to get back in the game and date somebodies, if not so M can (sense it? see it? hear about it through the grapevine?) and fight to win me back, or, at the very least, so I can actually meet somebone else. And, I guess I should take Josie's advice (from way back when I used to work for Talia) that I should play as hard to get as I can for as long as I can... because apparently that's the way men want it. Boring and stupid, to me, but, what can you do?

(The chance, by the way, of M having any idea of what I'm doing in my personal life is very slim. We live two hours apart and don't really have any mutual friends. We don't run into each other. Period.)

Well, I feel like I've covered an array of topics here on this fine Tuesday morning. Now, I hope to sleep. Thanks for reading the contents of my brain.

Love,
Duck

[previous] [next]

Photobucket
S DUCKIE
archives ~ profile ~
~ email ~ gbook ~ notes ~
~ host ~ image ~ design ~