more insomnia [ 2008-05-28, 5:22 a.m. ]

Dear Diary,

Yes, it happened again. What can I say? It's 5:22am and I'm still awake.

I could barely wake up at 1pm today... had to get to therapy by 3:00. Lately I am just barely making it on time. Today, more crying... lots of it, and working with need. Therapist says she believes I am obsessive and in my head all the time because I have never expressed the true depth of need that was not met in childhood. So we worked with that.

At some point I tapped into a very old feeling of deep sadness. Sometimes when I cry I just remember being in my childhood house and staring out the back door and feeling incredible loss, incredible sadness. Not like the kind of sadness when your fish dies or you lost your dolly... but bizarre and huge sadness for being such a little person. I guess this is what I am repressing. So when I started to obsess today I just said to myself, "I need someone" and just tried to feel how lonely it all is. It is kind of just pretend- I don't mean that I need someone now, like some prince charming to come and fix it, because it is impossible for anyone else to fix this. It is just about me acknowledging my little-kid feelings and saying what a little kid would say. I am really the only parent my "little kid" has right now, so it's my job to take care of her.

Hmm.... I left therapy to go meet a client who owes me money... he is kind of a lameass. He called me 15 minutes AFTER we were supposed to meet (I was at the appointed place, waiting) and said he had overslept because he stayed up late or blah blah blah... I don't know... point is, he's fucking lame... I think he's a pothead and this is the second time he's done this to me. The first time I waited an hour for him to show up and when he came I actually had to be on my way somewhere else... and now this. I want my money, so I told him to mail me a check. He said oh maybe we could meet next week? I said, we'll see, now here's the address to send me my check. In other words, send it anyway. I know he's not going to pay me in full just yet, so I don't know how much of this I'll have to deal with.

After that I went to lunch by myself, and then walked across town, I guess to save on bus fare. I did happen to find NEW LIPSTICK though, and I am very happy with it! I have been looking for a particular color that I can never seem to find, and truthfully when I looked at the Aveda stuff the colors just looked all weird to me. Then one of the makeup-helpers (what do you call those people?), a very fabulous gay man, asked me what I was looking for.... I described it and he showed me two colors which all looked very light but he said they would show up differently on me... so I applied one and it turned out to be good... maybe not like my original favorite shade, but... when I have more money I'll need to go buy 4 or 5 tubes just in case they discontinue it... because that's apparently what they DO.

Then I went out dancing with B. I felt very tired and not much like I was enjoying it, but I gave it my best try. Just figured moving my body is good for something... afterward we went to dinner and he dropped me at home. Talked to Red on the phone for a very brief time, and that was that.

I'm supposed to meet LilyB today but I don't know if I can do it, seeing as how I still haven't slept. But I'm going to text her now... see, I TELL people when I stay up too late and can't show up... I don't wait till they've been waiting for me for fifteen minutes. Jesus.

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