catching up after 6 days [ 2008-06-03, 7:38 p.m. ]

Hi Diary,

I know it's been several crazy days since I have updated... life has been a little nuts.

First of all, last week the insomnia just got worse and worse. On Thursday I slept from 7am to 10am. That's it! Just three hours. But I went through my whole day... I went and had an appointment with Kate. I was kind of at a loss of where to start, just wanted to feel better. Of course we talked about M, and the feelings of rejection. We talked about me waking up every day and feeling like I was enough, all by myself... she told me that she felt like this was the first time I was really moving on. I don't know if that makes me feel better or worse.

My client meeting on Thursday was canceled, so that was actually a relief, since I looked and felt like shit. Instead of going home and taking a nap, I went home and did one bag of laundry... I couldn't bring myself to do all of it, but I figured if I could do just a little, it would at least be a step forward. Then I went to meet Ava... we had a couple hours just visiting and it was nice. She did my cards too. Apparently my future looks very bright, I guess most of the time I wish I was there already, in the brightness.

I came home and assumed because I had only gotten 3 hours of sleep, I would sleep really well, but that was not the case. I fell asleep for one hour and then was up for the rest of the night... maybe a couple more hours and then... ugh... felt so terrible. I thought I would get a bunch of stuff done in the morning, but I was sorely mistaken. I felt dizzy and like I was on the verge of tears. Delia called and said she was going to buy one of my tickets for when I come to visit, and did I get her emails? I told her I hadn't checked that email; she told me I was rude. I told her I had barely slept in the last five days. I was ready to crack. Somehow I had thought I would quickly write two papers on Friday morning. Was I on crack?

Needless to say, the papers didn't get written. I went to my training anyway. My bus got stalled, and I was very late. My favorite thing about the weekend was that Craig couldn't come this month. It was so nice without him and his preening and irritating behavior... at one point I actually caught myself making a remark about how nice it was to just be with the girls, right in front of Gail and Sandra and the rest... oh well. He'll be back next month. (Sigh)

I did not sleep well either night I was there. One night we went to a lecture and Ben and Marie were there... I found a lot of anger coming up for me... another thing to look at... being with them just reminds me of being with Alphie and being in that whole gossipy community and always feeling like I have to defend myself. Ugh.

I talked to Keith on Friday night, and he was most helpful. We examined my beliefs that I do not deserve to have love in my life... after the conversation I felt like I had set myself free. The following morning I had a conversation with Gail... I realized yes she is pushy but also she is still here and M is not... it still can make me so upset. I guess I just have to keep improving my relationship with myself, and eventually her pushiness won't bother me so much. I realize she is like that because she is so fearful... and she judges herself.. and she chooses to be with someone like Craig who she can boss around, because she is not brave enough to really be with someone whom she could be vulnerable with.

Oh, well, enough of that... I came home on Sunday with my period, and had a hypnosis appt with Keith by phone. It was really great and I slept very well afterward... and had a dream that I was carrying a very small dog and discovered a huge black snake... I was once again in my childhood home, and threw the snake outside in the culvert near my house... by then it had grown to be big as a man and actually looked like a snake that had swallowed a man. Then a huge flood swelled up at the end of the street and started toward me. I knew the snake was washing my way and I was running, lots of people were running, and I was with a man and we ran toward high ground and took refuge under a tree... it was the tree I loved the most when I was little, the one I used to climb... it created a canopy all around us and I looked around and told the man, "I want to build an extension to our house here (really meaning a tree-house), like we talked about on our honeymoon."

When I awoke from this dream I felt best about having a lover- a husband, no less... that part was nice although everything else seems very ominous... snakes and floods and running and once again being in my childhood neighborhood... maybe just my mind trying to heal whatever traumatic thing happened to me when I was younger.

After the dream I went back to sleep and had a hard time waking up... Inez called. It was her birthday and I had promised I would spend time with her. We had left it open about what we were going to do and when we were going to get together, and that was what we were supposed to be deciding in this phone call. Inez was upset because she is moving to a new apartment and some things are not repaired or ready, and she had to stay there and wait for someone to come and look at the damage. I told her that I had to do a couple of things for work, but would be on my way as soon as I could. I listened to her bitch about that for almost 20 minutes about the damages, then said I would meet her as soon as I could (again). Then she starts pressuring me about when can I get there. Mind you I have only been AWAKE for about a half hour at this point and I just need some SPACE to do what I need to do, and she is bitching about her problems and simultaneously trying to pin me down to a timetable before I have even eaten breakfast or done anything!!

Huh. So then I say I will call when I'm on my way... I'm working diligently and she calls back about 10 minutes later, all hurt and crumbling, saying that it is her birthday and all she is doing on her birthday is accomodating everybody else and she is alone and she should be the priority because it is her birthday and if she is not a priority for me then maybe we shouldn't hang out.

Holy Jesus! I couldn't believe how needy and crazy she was being. First of all, I know moving is stressful and she was having a hard time with feeling frustrated about the repairs and so on. But then she was just projecting it all onto me like I was another person she had to "accomodate". Which was ridiculous because she was stuck in one place anyway, waiting for the workers, whether she was meeting me or not. Secondly, she is not six years old, she's almost 40- and we are both adults. I had one hour's worth of work to do, maybe even less if she would just get off my back and let me do what I needed to...Never mind that the night before she left the whole thing loose and "open" with no timetable but all of a sudden the issue seemed to be that she wanted me there NOW and there was no way I could be there NOW... but it turned into this whole needy sob story.

I just realized that I handled this differently than I would of in the past. First of all, I didn't take it on at all- instead of thinking it was my fault, I could just realize how needy and immature Inez was being. I realized, too, that in the past I have been like this- taking everything as a rejection, expecting people to be responsible for me... WOW what an eye-opener and I realize I AM growing after all...

I calmly explained to Inez that she was a priority for me and that I was on my way and just getting ready. Man oh man. Okay and then I lied a little bit and called and told her I was on my way way before I actually was... I ran my errands and took a taxi rather than the bus... expensive but I figured it was my birthday present to Inez... so she would have nothing to bitch about... when I got there... she wasn't even ready! She whined a whole lot more about the situation with her apartment and took forever getting ready. Then we went to the park she wanted to go to. The whole time her constant talking and talking was grating on my nerves and I was asking myself why do I hang out with her anyway? She proceeded to complain about her last boyfriend and how he said she was needy and how that was unrealistic because blah blah blah and I realized WOW she really is needy and this is exactly what is driving everyone away from her and was I like this? Jeez.

Inez and I once talked about abandonment and I told her about all the work I have been doing and even suggested some books and things for her, but she basically said that she felt she didn't really have the time to do that kind of stuff. I told her that it would persist until she paid attention to it... I mean I have lost enough relationships in my life where I am just sick of it. She must have broken down 2 more times during the day in addition to all the complaining. I was so done by the end of the day...

That was that. This morning I got a lot of computer work done, went to an appointment and then tried to prepare for my presentation this weekend. I am trying to do everything ahead of time so I'm not freaking out by the weekend...

Well in any case I have to carry on... more stuff to do...

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