Dear Diary,

I don't want to update but I'm doing it anyway. I guess because when I feel like this, it's easy for me to lose track of days and then there are holes in my entries. And I think writing is important to me. It's been helpful for me to look back days, weeks, months and years and see how I'm evolving.

I'm learning that I'm deep in the process of grief. It is a painful process and it takes as long as it takes. That really is it. This is grief that is beyond M, grief of many losses in my life encompassing the loss of myself as well. Pretty heavy.

I think I had the opportunity to glimpse this when Frank left, but I made the mistake of getting involved with Alphie too soon.

I spent so much time in my life being afraid, and deeply upset, as each man walked out of my life. I remember that night that M and I said goodbye, and we made love for the last time. At one point he was on top and we were looking deep into each other's eyes, and he was crying a little... and then I really started to sob, with him inside me, and he just held me for a long time... eventually he went so soft that his penis slid out and that was so symbolic to me I burst into a deeper round of sobs... I cried for every man that ever left me... I cried for the possibility that that would be the last time M was ever inside me. Which it most very likely was.

And now, well... I'd like to think that I am 3/4 out of the hole... but the journey is not complete yet... that I have discovered something about ending the cycle of the abandonment and sadness, the fear and being left... that I have to stop leaving myself... I have to stop thinking that someone else's actions will make things okay for me... that I have to take the time to grieve what my soul may have been waiting lifetimes to grieve...that I have to be rock-solid and perfectly content within myself whether I am alone, or with someone else...that my sense of self must be unchangeable at my core, otherwise I will continue to be rocked by the actions of others... it is the only way. No one can fix it for me.

Today was a busy day. I finally moved a bunch of shit out of my apartment... not everything, it's still messy, but I am on the way to creating a little more space. And then I went to meet Drew for lunch, which was nice. There was a little girl at the table next to us, and he was making eyes at her and being playful... I think Drew would be a great dad, I can just tell he wants kids. I asked him if he and his fiance are going to have kids and he just said, "Well that's an issue," and we didn't really talk about it after that. I met his fiance once and she looks like a pretty miserable person. Hmm.

After that I went to therapy. Therapist said my energy seems different, more forthcoming. I told her about some of my work with Keith and the many realizations I've had over the past couple of weeks when she was on vacation. We are still working on crying, and we also talked about sexual abuse. We talked about the fact that sometimes when I am crying she has an urge to touch me in a comforting way, but she holds back because she senses that I can easily feel violated. There has been times that I have been crying and she has touched me gently and it has felt quite shocking. It registers as "Hey! She didn't ask me if she could do that!" and sometimes then it's okay. She said maybe we should explore that edge a little bit because if I want to have a relationship where I can really be intimate with someone, I have to work on building trust. I told her I still prefer that she ask me before she touches me or else it doesn't feel safe, and the thought of her just starting to touch me without asking starts to make me feel tense.

After therapy I met up with Steffy to go makeup shopping. I have been saying that I wanted new makeup for a long time. We went to S3ph0R@ and what a madhouse it was! We wanted to get makeovers but nobody even had time to help us. So we decided to just look around. Steffy asked me what I was looking for and I had four wishes: a better foundation (mine doesn't seem to cover so well), an eyeshadow primer so my makeup doesn't crease (when I work my eyelids seem to sweat, or something...), higher-quality eyeshadow, and a really good skin care product that plumps the skin.

Eighty dollars later, and I had the first three things on my list. I will have to go back when I have hundred of dollars to spend on skin care... but for now, I am happy with the products I have. I don't normally spend so much money on those kinds of things, but I guess I feel good about having good quality things.

Then I came home. Still feeling pressured about work this coming weekend, but have I done anything productive about it? Nope. I have a whole manual to read that I haven't read. Because I had to watch a movie... the diving bell butterfly one... which is so overdue at blockbuster that I got two notices saying I had to buy it... so I watched it and then walked to blockbuster to return it.

Well it was interesting in that it reflects every life in that we make our life what it is based on our perspectives... and the mind can do so much in that way. And it made me think, I do have so much. I have a healthy body, and so much potential to do and go wherever I want... I will be okay, I will keep moving forward... I have recognized this as a deep grieving process and the less I resist the easier it will be... even if it is hard I will just go there... I am surrendering at this point, surrendering to everything- surrendering to loss, to imperfection, surrendering to life on life's terms... I am letting go of the desire and the need to control my life... I am letting the current take me where it will take me.

The other night, as I lay in bed- I'm not sure, but I think I caught myself loving myself for a minute.

Today I put rose oil on my thighs because they are the most difficult part of my body for me to love. I think I will do that everyday. I am surrendering to the body that I have. I'm going to stop hating it and just start loving the parts... even the lump in my breast. I'll just love that too.

There is no more resistance in me.

[previous] [next]